Ready to die

Well I’ve been struggling with depression and suicide for a long time now as well as my own anger and hate of the people that bullied me my entire life in the name of their God. I have been at peace with death for a long time now and feel that it would be best and easier if I can just die peacefully. I’m waiting till I get back to my college dorm room for a couple days so I can get everything together for my family and few friends. I feel as if my emotional pain and mental illness are unbearable no matter what I do to try and fix it and I feel that death will be a release from my personal pain and invisible wounds that the world reopens every day of my life. I’m not doing it because my life is terrible or anything, but I’m doing it because I’m tired of being in pain, so I guess I would prefer to call my suicide “self deliverance”. All I want and can think about is death and the mercy it can provide me. I’ve tried to die a couple times before when I was in my early teens and it has helped bring me chronic trauma and hurt that just can’t be fixed. But chances are I’m going to try to hang myself again since it’s the only method I have available at my disposal that is fatal. Yeah, I’ve tried before and it’s a painful sadistic death but I’m desperate, so I’ll do anything to go to a world without hurt. I’m a freak, I’m mentally ill, no job, no family, I’m a social outcast, and I’m in pain so I’m deciding to leave this week. I already have my wishes written out for a funeral with no church, pastor, last rites or anything, because the religious helped inflict this pain on me through the years because of my sexuality, unorthadoxy, alternative lifestyle, among other reasons. And I sure as hell don’t want the people who have abused me all these years at my funeral because it will be disrespectful to my family who had to watch the suffering they helped inflict on me all these years, I feel religion would be the elephant in the room at my funeral and since I couldn’t be free from religion in life, I definitely don’t want them near me in death. I don’t care what happens to my body or what my family decides to do with me, I just want well deserved mercy after all these years. It’s taken a lot of time for me to finally make this decision, but I felt I came to the same conclusion whether it was made in peace of mind or not. So, I thought I’d leave this possibly last piece of writing online before I deliver myself from hurt that not even my doctors can comprehend. I can”t cry about, I can only smile about the thought of everything finally fading to black or going to a world without hurt. I just thought I’d write about it possibly one last time. Goodbye, I hope many of you can live your life like I never could and wish everyone the best of luck.