Sharing my story

All my life I’ve always put up a front. Its become my defense mechanism. I can’t bare the real me. Everyone knows me as the happy, hyper girl who’s kind to everyone, and always has the right advice for any situation. I don’t know exactly when i started cutting, but it started as a ploy to catch my parents attention; show them how much i was really suffering. I was adopted, my birth mom was a drug addict and she drank and did drugs while pregnant with both me and my sister. My birth dad abused me. I have 2 siblings I’ve never met. My birth mom now only sends birthday and xmas cards…often with a side note about being in rehab..again. because of my mother antics while pregnant, my sister was born with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. This was only recently discovered. My whole life since adoption has been about finding out what was wrong with my sister. Thus, i tried cutting to finally get them to notice me.. the only responce was exasperation, they didn’t need the other daughter to have problems too. I was sick and tired of acting responsible, i never got a childhood ! Since cutting didn’t work, i decided to stop. But i couldn’t. It had become the one thing i could control, i was addicted. All my friends aat school found out…soon it got to the point where all of them abandoned me and bullied me, until i switched schools for grade. 9. All through 7, 8, 9 and the beginning of this year i cut. I’ve been in and out of conculing. I even attempted suicide but lost my nerve. I was depressed, lonely and hurting. I was wallowing in my own self pity. One night, i was stressed and craved the relief i knew a cut would bring. But all i had was one of those sharp crafting blades, the ones shaped like a scalple. I got into the shower and made 4 careful cuts, no longer then half the length of my pinky. But it wasn’t enough. I didn’t want control. I didn’t know what i wanted. Without thinking i slashed fast and deeply. A huge gash opened up and i suddenly got very panicked. I actually got out of the shower and went to my mom. I won’t go into specifics but we had a long talk. I realized, i didn’t want to die. Oddly, i felt no pain at all. I guess i was too shocked; the image of my skin splitting down to the muscle still haunts me. When it healed, i examined the scar, and i realized, with the motion of my arm and the position of the cut, if it had opened just a few inches left, i would have cut my vein. This struck me hard. Though i am still struggling through depression, anxiety, and adhd, i have a new take on life. My life didn’t really suck at all. I have friends and parents that loved me, though i felt so alone. It was my fault. I pushed everyone away and isolated my self, then cried and complained about my lonlieness. I’m taking steps to change my life. I’m meeting with a school consular and we are planning my future. I’m a talented artist, and i plan on going somewhere with it ! I’m cutting ties with people who only influenced my depression and am reconnecting with good friends id pushed away. I’m only 15, I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. I encouarge u to comment if you have felt like i did in the past, or do feel this way 🙂 someone cares, even if they are a stranger from across the world.