I’m almost 17 and I’ve had social problems my whole life. I BELIEVE I might have a personality disorder, although I don’t really know. The problem with getting diagnosed, treated, etc is that I’ve grown accustomed to faking a lot of interaction with people. I’ve seen four or five psychologists and stuff now, with no real results. Most of them just sent me off saying I was fine after five or six visits. I know I’m not ‘fine’. I used to have anger management when I was really young, like 8 or something. Then later on (still age eight) my mother tried to kill herself. I don’t remember it too clearly. I think I blocked most of it out in an attempt to cope. All I remember is she looked pale, almost like she’d succeeded. I had problems even before that too. My mother has PTSD and she used to be extremely abusive. I used to come to school with bruises, only to get bullied later.. And most people who know me say I have close to no empathy for others. I’ve been like that for as long as I can remember now. I’ve even had some of the people I call ‘friends’ make a game out of trying to diagnose me. I think I might have something like antisocial personality disorder or schizoid. I guess it’s helpful for me to write all this stuff in a sense, but the real reason I’m writing this is to ask what you think I should do about it all. Should I try seeing another psychologist despite the lack of results I’ve had thus far? My thoughts of suicide have been embedded in me for years now, but in the last six months or so they’ve become increasingly frequent. I even cut myself last week for the first time in two years. It wasn’t easy stopping and the fact that I did it again made me feel like a failure. What should I do?
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hi, Zetsubou… I admire you for asking if you should get help. It takes a lot of courage sometimes to ask that. The short answer is that it is probably a good idea for you to reach out and discuss what’s happening in your life. Maybe it will help you work out a strategy for solving some of the challenges you are facing. Sometimes it takes working with different psychologists in order to establish a working rhythm. Different psychologists have different backgrounds, interpersonal styles, and treatment philosophies. It certainly doesn’t hurt to see if you can get on the same page with another provider. You made it two years without cutting… and you should recognize the accomplishment in doing so. That took a lot of effort.
I guess in one sense I’m kind of lucky, because despite the fact I used to cut I didn’t cut very deep and I only have a single scar out of it. I’ve become distanced with my entire year level, excluding my two best friends. I suppose that’s hit me pretty hard today especially.
I’m glad you didn’t cut deep… and I think you’re right. A lot of the time, we don’t realize how lucky we actually are. I think that your psychologist… or a new psychologist… could help you work on getting closer to those around you. Not only will you feel closer with your peers, it will help you. It’s hard in life to be isolated… It can make things more difficult when challenges come up. You are very fortunate that you recognize what is happening… That is always a big help… It gives you a starting point… which is valuable.
I don’t think I need to try and be more social with the rest of my year level. I think that’s already a lost cause. I’ve always been isolated really. In a way I often prefer it. What I do think I need to do right now is think about the two friends I do have. They’re the type of people who would do anything to help you when you’re in a tough spot. Anything. I don’t think I’ve been appreciating them enough recently. I think I should find a new psychologist too.
It can take an annoying amount of time to find a psychologist who can actually help you, instead of just wasting your time and taking your money. But when you do find the one, it’s all worth it.
And don’t worry about the cutting. I used to do that and I’ve even got a bunch of scars.
It would go in cycles, too. Like I’d stop for a year or two then get back into it after some really bad depression trigger.
It doesn’t matter. Just find a way of controlling your emotions without hurting yourself. So you don’t mess up the skin on your arms too much.
@Zetsubou, Hay man, sounds like you have had it pretty rough, i can tell you right now the fact that you think you have not been apprecitating your firends lately is proof that you do feel empthy for others, so i wouldnt worry about that.
I believe that you do not have an antisocial disorder, but you may have developed a antisocial persona, i will tell you why.
Your mother used to abuse you as a child, even in your own home, the one place a child is supposed to feel safe, when this happens to children they cant trust anyone when there older leading to anti social behaviour.
Also you witnessed your mother trying to kill herself at an early age, we develop our personalities between the ages of 6 – 9,( thats why the dictators in africa take childern as soilders because they can turn them into killers at that age) seeing this not only added the antisocial tnedences, but has also stunted you emotionally, you do not want to feel what happened because its to painfull, so your mind blocked it out and now you have trouble feeling anything, thats prob why you cut.
Also as you have grown the fact you havent forgotten this day means its still on your mind, you understanding of this day has also grown, i imagion you now feel thoughts like if my own mother was willing to kill herself and leave me, i must be worthless, also she abused you, adding to these thoughts.
these feelings of self deprecation also leads to antisocial behaviour.
Being bullied at school also leads to antiscial behaviour and would compound the feelings of worthlessness.
Antisocial behaviour leads to solitude, solitude leads to loneyness, loneyness leads to depression.
I dont think you have antisocial disorder, its just fucked up shit has happened to you my friend. Having had an abusive childhood, you others around you have happy lives, and so when you should feel empathy you feel either anger or nothing at all, because your blocking most of your emotions remember.
You can get better, you just need the right help.
If your five psychologists didnt tell you all of, if not at least most of this then they were very bad psychologists.
I think you just need to work through your issues one by one, i would strongly recomend meditation, it will help with the anger management and releasing blocked emotions.
You can email me anytime at “thelightinthedarknes “put at symbol here” hotmail.com”, if i put it in correctly they wont let me post the comment and i will be heavily spamed.
and remember you can allways come here if you want to talk with someone or just rant or need advice, theres no one on here short of advice believe me. 🙂
Even if you dont i hope you find the help you need friend, and the happiness.
Peace 🙂