Okay,
So, 2 weeks ago, I planned to kill myself on Monday. I sent my ex-counselor a goodbye e-mail on Sunday, but instead of killing myself, I ended up going to a Psychiatric hospital and stayed there for a week and a half. He sent me an e-mail on Monday and Tuesday, but I am no longer able to access the e-mails. I know I should tell him that I’m okay, and that I’ve been in a hospital, but I’m not sure if I’m going to stay alive. You see, I wanted to stay longer at the hospital, but the staff said I was ready to leave, even when I repeatedly told them that I could not keep myself safe if I left and that I would kill myself.
Since I left the hospital unstable, I don’t think I’ll be able to keep myself alive. I don’t have a specific date set, but I feel like I could die at any moment now. Like, one day, I’ll just wake up and decide to kill myself with no warning.  I don’t want to tell him I’m alive just to have him be disappointed when I “die” again, but I also don’t want him to mourn my death when I’m still alive.
What do you guys think I should do? I’ll take any advice you can give me. I don’t feel too good right now.
6 comments
Do tell him, and at the same time ask him for help and be honest how unstable and at risk you feel. That’s what he is there for. He may be able to get you back into hospital if that’s what you need, or help in other ways. Just reaching out can sometimes be enough to take the pressure off to make it through.
A significant part of you obviously wants to live or you would not have asked to stay in hospital for longer. I’ve been lucky in that regard, I’ve been in a private clinic, and they let me always stay as long as I needed. I’ve been in 4 times so far 🙁
Not until you’re ready. If you are ready to die tomorrow then don’t tell him. If you want to try living for another year and ask him for his help again then tell him. Don’t play with his emotions.
I agree. I don’t think you owe him anything by letting him know what you have decided but it could help to get some extra help from him or another counselor. I have told this to a couple of people before but try to find someone to talk to that you are comfortable with. If your ex counselor wasn’t helping or caring about the circumstances in your life, search for someone else to get help/advice from. You deserve someone to talk to who cares about your life. I personally like doing something I am interested in when I feel like crap. I like reading a lot, I like volunteering every once in a while where i live to plant trees, clean ups, etc. It’s a good way to meet new people and learn new things. Anything you can do to keep you busy will help you take your mind off crappy things going on in your life.
Conrad – yeah, that’s what I’m trying to avoid. I don’t want him to think I’m out for attention from him, or that it’s all some sick joke.
Abuse – You’re lucky. They wouldn’t keep me for more than a week and a half. They said I was “stable” enough to leave. I would try to go to another hospital, but the beds are always full and it takes a while for people to be admitted.
Randy – My ex-counselor was very caring. I had to move which is why I’m unable to see him anymore. He said we could continue to keep in contact through e-mails, but that only goes so far. I’m on a 2 weeks waiting list for counseling at another place. I’ll look into volunteer work where I live. I love to help other people a d that definitely sounds like a good distraction.
Personally, I’d tell him… I would hate for someone to think I’m dead when I’m not… particularly if that person one had an interest in my well-being. I can understand the point that you don’t want to mislead him or tell him you’re ok when things may change… but I also think by telling him you’re alive that you open the door for a natural response… a possible offer of assistance… ex or not, that is a significant e-mail that you sent… and perhaps he would be inclined to see what he could do on a human level.
Distant – I see what you’re saying. If hate for him to think I’m dead and then find out I’m not just to have me die again. I just don’t want him to get angry with me, but then again, I’d hate for him to grieve for me when I’m okay.