Suicidal…

I’ve been suicidal for so many years, I’m pretty much not even hiding it, yet nobody fucking care, I can tell you that. When I first decided I wanted to end with life, I was like “ok I’m done with life, maybe I can just have fun before I do”, that resumed playing video games day and night, and staying locked up in my bedroom at least I was having fun. Only getting out at night to eat when I know my parents are asleep. This dragged on and on always like “let’s do that one more day”. I live on the day by day basis. From that day I was barely talking to a living soul. Ever. I’m scared of people like you can’t even imagine since I’ve been a little kid. Not as badly as now though. I thought I was getting better at some times but then I’ve had to many people fucking with me, including my own family. It went berserk from there, I mean the scare of people. All they did all day long most of my life was bark at each other like dogs, all day long. And sometimes yell at me for some stupid reasons. Mostly my older brother. Ever since I was born, he always ignored me at school, like I was a freakin monster, he wouldn’t want his friends or anybody to know I was his brother. He never would want to go home from school with me, that would have been a fucking disgrace. Ever, even in primary school. We were in the same freaking school until I was like 15, I’ve never seen him come talk to me, it’s like he wasn’t even there, and hiding from me. Soon I had to hide from him too because I was scared from him. Also he was stealing stuff from me, and then making me sound like I had sold it. One expensive thing I had from chrismtas disappeared, but you now I don’t check on my stuff to see if it’s still in place. Someday somebody needs it, and my brother is like putting the blame on me, saying Ive sold it or that it was bad manner to get rid of it. I always half thought something was wrong. Later when it was all behind I managed to make him say the truth from me, when were both laughing and in good mood I was like “cmon about that stuff, it was you right ?” and he smirked at me without saying anything but enought it meant yes. And there was so other times like this. I think he was Kleptomanic, he was jalous I was getting stuff from chrismats or birthdays. One day I found my walkman smashed to pieces in my room. I knew it was him, but I kept my mouth shut, because if I had said something I was thinking, again I would be looked at as the guilty. When my brother was fighting with me, we were both punished, yet he was him who always started, and he was the older one. I think all this contributed to make me lock to myself more every day, keep all for myself since there was no point telling anything, I would be the guilty one even if my own stuff disappear…

My parents always thought I was the smart one, that it would be so fucking easy for me to get my life going, so they only cared about him, they helped him every step of the fucking way. I guess I half wanted to get back at them “see I was the most damaged one, you failed miserably, I was the one who needed most help”. I mostly let myself go. They always took his side anyway, he was a druggy, they let him smoke all kind of shit, and it’s not like I like to smoke his shit too.

You know what’s hurting most ? I’ve never had a fucking friend in my entire life. That hurt that much I’m crying every time I think about it. I guess it was probably my fault, I was uninterresting, too shy, and never hang to anybody so they just let me go. Yes maybe I had a friend or two, but they never stuck to me, I don’t wanna put the blame on them though, I know I’m the problem. Still the result is there, I’ve never had a friend for so so many years now. They are all gone. Sometime I look up some of them on google and shit, I’m happy for them, they made it. Good jobs and shit. I’m trying not to do that anymore because it hurts too much, I’ll rather let the past rot in the past.

So yes I guess I have what they call Social Phobia ? Social Anxiety Disorder, whatever, like putting a word on it ever helped me. I think the last few years, I went outside maybe once or twice per year. If lucky. I went outside 2 days ago all day, reading at library and stuff. This has been the worst day for some time. Even the reading I didn’t enjoy it, something made me smile at some point, and it turned out to be a bad feeling to smile in public about a stupid book, so it went a bit down hill from there, I was also reading a book about suicide later in the day… This made me all depressed all over again. Maybe I was happy with the fresh air for the five first minutes and that was it. I tried to get back home without my parents seeing me, because usually I do that, I hate that when they see me go out they are like looking me with their big eyes “about time you get out”. And I got “caught”, my father was looking me under his glasses like I had just killed someone. And to avoid confusion, I did not, I can’t even kill myself, let alone Someone. I’m weak, I just wished someone would shoot me. It make me angry at him and at myself (but I didn’t show it until I was in my room), like “why did you have to look at me like that”, ofc no words exchanged, that’s no news. Did you ever see in a movie the look of the guy that has the glasses on the tip of his noes and he looks under the glasses with a dark glare. That was that. Who likes to see that ?

I’ve seen theses kids die in belgium, this made me cry and depressed too. I’ll trade my life with one of them if I could. They loved life, and it got taken away from them. I hate mine, and I got to live… It brings up thousands of emotions. Mostly of injustice. Why didn’t I die when I was a kid. I almost drawn back then, I remember, well not the actual drowning, I blanked it all. One other of my parents brilliant idea. I don’t know how to swim, they basicly forced me to do that water slide thing, I told them I didn’t want to do it. I certainly would not have fun. I guess I was like a robot, because I don’t remember anything from the moment I told them I didn’t want to go, to when I got back to my senses and they told me I almost drown. I wish I did.

If I was to do it in my bedroom, I can tell you, my body would start rotting for several days before anybody found me.  So I have pretty much decided against it, I don’t want all my books to smell death… Still I know a lot of others place I can do it, in peace. So the where, is not a problem at all. I’ve read you guys don’t wanna read about methods, hmm too bad… Initially the How was really draining all my suicidals thoughts, I was obsessed with weighting pros and cons. But I’ve answered this question a while back, this really appeased me for a while.

Recently I’ve cleaned up my room, I can tell you, it took me several weeks to do. Not sure if just that information can help you imagine in what kind of mess I lived most of my life. The actual living space I had for myself was probably smaller than any prison cell ever. Having my room squeaky clean, somehow helped me feel better for a little while, like 3 months. But I’m now again on a all times low. I really wanted to have my room cleaned up before I do it, because I didn’t want people to find out in what kind of mess I lived in. And I succeeded that, nobody will ever know, screw you… They would probably be sad again about it “how can someone live like that, that’s sad, /cry”

Not want my parents either to have to clean the mess, even if I don’t like them. I loathe them entirely. But I would not want anyone to have to clean my mess. Except my dead body, what can I really do about it ? I wish I could donate my organs, but I guess you can’t do that when you kill yourself or odds are they will save you. I think that’s pretty sad. That’s why I wished everybody had the right to kill themselves, you could actually save real people… who want to live, and deserve to.

That’s a bit pretentious to say, but I’ll risk say it, if I had been a parent, and my life was settled, I would have been a good one. It’s sad that they failed that miserably in so many ways, I can clearly see them all now. I couldn’t do all these analysis when I was a kid… Since I was born, they never talked to me. I never had any real conversation with them about anything, like I was a stranger, and now I’m certainly am. I’m a stranger to myself sometime. I hate myself. They never asked me how was my school day, or maybe they did a couple of times out of a selfish curiosity, rather than to make me talk, and have parent-son conversation. I’m not even talking about my father, because he never did that, ever, all he cared about was talking about his work or whining about how we didn’t have any money. Hey son, look about this or that. Basicly I was just a receptacle for his show off time. They never asked me how I felt about anything. They never told me a secret, they never talk to me about their families, I know they did that with my brother. I don’t talk much about him, I’ve not talked about him for years. I remember how sometimes I was telling him “I’m not going to talk to you anymore”, and a few days later I forgave him. He thought I was weak, he thought I was bluffing. I was always increasing the stakes, when he could not get the message, I would stop talking to him for the rest of the day, then next time for 2 days. But then sometime I really felt good for theses days, I wasn’t even counting them. It’s like you increase and some time you just loose track of time, and you just wanna stay in the same state you are in. So it ended up being me not talking to him every again. And when I recalled all the past, how he never talked to me at school, never been nice to me when I was a kid, always made fun of me to his friends and walled me off my own cousins. I figured he deserved it. He tried to talk back to me a couple of time, I just couldn’t do it. My scare of people won, he was a stranger to me. I deeply hope he regrets all the thing he has done… that it haunts him at night to have lost his younger brother and to soon loose him cold.

I don’t even talk to them now, I don’t forgive them all the yelling, all day long, and going on again today, probably because of me. And I’m just too scared to talk to anyone. People are jerks. At least all those I ever crossed. I know they are good people out there, sadly I know none of them. And none of them talk to me, I surely can’t go to them. I can’t. The longest conversation I’ve had for the last few years, was with that guy from a phone company, I had to change the internet box thing because it was broken. And he wouldn’t change it, because he wanted me to call some guy, because it was probably not broken. I insisted because it was broken, and I knew better because I’m a computer geek. I had to insist for so long, and start raising my voice. (which I don’t like to do) Finally some woman tested the box on site, and it was indeed broken. The guy also a liar, because I was telling him “I should just cancel the renting then if you don’t wanna exchange it, and buy one, they are not that expensive, I would end up saving money after a while”. And I had found indeed some cheap one earlier on internet because I had explored that possibility. The guy was telling me “no way, if you buy one it’s going to cost you this and that, like 5-10 times that price you are saying”, he was lying (or being very misinformed, which make me wonder why I don’t even have his fucking job) and making a fool of me in front of all other customers. Like I should just shut the fuck up, go back home, make that stupid phone call to test the box, then they would ask me to go back for the exchange. And certainly not cancel the rent to buy one because it was the most stupid thing to do. I’m not naive, I know they want to keep the renters because they make loads of money, they don’t want people to buy their box. I just don’t do it, because that’s another social thing I would have to do. Anyway another disapointement, I’m already scared like shit of people and I had to cross that jerk. The longest conversation I have had for as long as I can recall. Total success. I was half smiling to myself “see what I was fucking telling you”.

About the video games part, I used to play with a micro, and try to talk to people, but then they would start to be angry at each other, and sometime at myself, and this killed it for me. So there too I’ve stopped that. I think this was the biggest effort I had made to talk to people, I miss some of them. But the pain outweighted the good. This was a couple of years back. I don’t even talk to write in forums too, people just bash each other for the slightest thing, I’m cutting on that too.

Anyway not sure I should even go on. How does this site even works ? All I know, my life isn’t worth living, finding a way of turning it around, is not a way I ever think about, it’s just all about when I’ll end it, and if I’ll have the force to do it. So it keeps going down hill. I know I don’t want to live in the roads or something, so if my parents kick me out, that’s my death sentence for sure. I’m all prepared alrdy, my stuff is sorted, I’ve deleted all my porn etc. Lol. That’s not a real lol, I’m not laughing really. I’m just a normal guy with needs…

Another story that didn’t help me much, was about an english paper. I had like only F’s in english… I was like 13-14 or something. One day I decided to really make a big effort for this test. The teacher is out in town or something, so she gives us a test and somebody watch over us. So yes I study a lot for this, that’s the biggest work I’ve ever done for an english test. I write some piece of paper with a couple of good things I could use to say, and I learn it. I take that paper with me just before the test. Some kids are around me laughing and telling each other they are going to cheat for the test. Including one of my close “friend”. It kills me because I’m like “ok I see the picture, they going to cheat, I’m going to play it fair, and again I’ll have a fucking F, and they are going to nail it”. So at the last minute I decide to use that tiny paper and try to cheat with it. And of course I got caught. Long story short I tried to tell them I had written it down jsut during the test. The next day was holidays, was hell, I was scared my parents would find out etc. 2 weeks in hell. Then during the next english class, the teacher talks about it say like “so I’m not sure if he really did it, especially he is a good kid”. She debates like that for a good while, you can imagine I’m at the bottom of my chair all red faced and stuff… She ends up saying like “it’s like on a jury, when there is the slightest doubt in your mind, you have to drop the charges”. And she does it. I felt like I’ve stolen her trust. She trusted me and she would never trust me ever again. Deep down I knew she knew I did cheat. At the end of the class, I’ve told her, I did it. I think that’s all I could say “I did it”. I think she was like “what ? what do you mean, you did it ?”. Probably added “I cheated”. I don’t quite recall all she said. Anyway she told me she would keep it for herself, at one condition. I’m not sure how the US school system works really. But at the end of the period, we get that paper, and teachers agree to put a cross in either “congratulations, encouragements” and 2 lower markings I don’t remember like “try better” and some worse. I never had these two. So she would not say a word unless teachers would give me congratulations. And being ranked 2nd of course I did get them. So she told everyone. And I got the whole package of sanctions. This was months later. I liked how the word slipped out of some teacher, before the kid in my class who was supposed to tell me in private all that after the class reunion. He was like “miss, damn, he doesn’t know yet!” I knew I was cooked, but really it didn’t hurt too much after all I went throught. I’m saying all this, about 2 things, first I’ve never told anyone the “why” I did it, I never was a cheater, I just got into that because of these other kids. I think they thought it was all premedited and all. They thought the worse of me I bet. Later I would always get scared my whole school years, when I was in a test, I was scared a teacher would think I was cheating, when I got to get a pen, ask for a pen etc. The next year my main teacher was saying all the rules, then she talks about warnings (I had one, at 3 you are fired from the school), and right then she looks me dead in the eye… Like she couldn’t be more obvious, I found it was pretty disgraceful proceeding… And she was not looking at me like I was a good kid, she was looking at me like I was trouble. I would also become super scared when someone would try to get answers from me in a test, thinking if we get caught they would think I was the one cheating. But if I didn’t give answers to the buddies, that’s now a way to make friends right ? And I didn’t have many if any… Even now I think I didn’t deserve it. Also the whole school thought I went through without sanctions, which technically I did for a while, so they were looking me down like “ppff he gets away with it, and yet he is at the top of his class”, while I pretty much gave myself away, I wasn’t the one to decide not to sanction me. Even after I got the sanction, they didn’t hear the news. So they would be like “what you got a warning ? really??”. So I guess most kept looking at me like I was a cheater that got away with it. Though I didn’t care. I don’t think I’m that bad in english now I guess, weird fate I guess… if only she knew, she would be surprised.

It all build up like that.

Anyway I wonder why do you guys even try to help people ? You want to help us when it’s too late already. Nobody helped me when I most needed it when I was a younger kid. Is that a way to feel better about yourself, like you are a good person? I’m not saying you aren’t. I don’t see the point in the “I wanna kill myself” “No don’t do it, life is worth living”. Sometime I have that feeling, you are not realizing how much we are suffering. We are not waking up one day “I want to kill myself”. It’s a lifetime process. When you have no friends, no it’s not worth living. Nobody can survive alone. At least not me, not for this longer. I’m jealous of people, they have everything, people they love, people who love them back. Somebody to talk to. I’ll be dead in 60 years anyway, I don’t see the point of not doing it right now.

Sorry about my bad english, don’t think I’m uneducated or something, it’s not my native tongue. That’s another of the many things, I don’t “speak”, like I told you, so I’m spending more time writing in english than talking my own language. Weird, eh? I don’t even know if I’m going to be looking for answers if there is even any. I guess I just wanted to write this down, without any wish to hear anything back. Again my scare creeping back in probably…Being misjudged etc, Yet I know you’ll play by your rules, and make sure you don’t input misjugdment, and then I’ll wonder if the person is being sincere, or just bullshitting me to save me.

All that is barely the tip of the iceberg anyway. I could write for hours… my life is just a succession of disapointments, sadness and tears.