General talking not cutting? does that work? by sparkeyes 3/8/2012 written by sparkeyes 3/8/2012 Okay so I am making an effort right now to talk. Â My hands are busy on the keyboard but my self control is kind of waning. Â But I thought I would try and talk instead. Â Will someone talk to me? Â I tried calling a friend but that didn’t work. CuttingKeyboardSelf Control 30 comments 0 Email Related posts Valves 1/25/2022 You’ll cross the Lint Lady at least once... 1/25/2022 sick 1/25/2022 What if life is the disease 1/25/2022 Calling all Astronauts 1/25/2022 1/24/2022 Just because 1/24/2022 Bipolar nihilist with psychotic features 1/24/2022 <3 1/24/2022 – 1/24/2022 30 comments Unique 3/8/2012 - 5:08 pm Theres allways people here. fire away, what did you do today? Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 5:18 pm i had classes and an exam…..i’m trying soo hard to just keep my hands busy. see i cut, like all the time, i cut between class, before class, while i was taking the test, and just holding it calms me down, so now I am trying not to use it and am like freaking out Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 5:31 pm please write back Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 5:33 pm I was Bulimic when I was younger. I would drink water just to purge. I understand the need to control. For me it was pain. What is it for you? Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 5:35 pm come on! you wanted to talk so talk. Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 5:37 pm it’s pain and it’s focus and its relieving everything. mainly i use it as a tool now to stop thinking about suicide, i end up just thinking about cutting and all the other obsessions of suicide fly away. but then i lost control of it and just keep bleeding Log in to Reply deadinside9 3/8/2012 - 5:38 pm Sometimes I wish I cut. Wish I didn’t have all the inhibition. For everything. All I do is wallow. Plus I’m 30 so it’s probably to late to start. But if I was used to cutting maybe I’d have the guts to cut an artery and end this pain. Now I don’t mean to give you any ideas. You are way too young to die I suspect, and I think there is a very good chance things will get better for you. Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 5:41 pm it’s the irony isn’t it? we want to die but that doesn’t mean we want anyone else to. i’m 23. right now it’s mainly my leg bleeding and no where where i could kill myself. i pray it stays that way. Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 5:39 pm It has been three weeks since I made it thru a pill popping party and woke up very disappointed. My husband was non to happy. I know how it feels to want. I understand PAIN! So talk. I”m here… Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 5:44 pm i should talk and stop cutting! damn i thought i could do this : ( i overdosed to die but it didn’t work Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 5:43 pm I wanted to die because of guilt and severe Depression. Ended up on the couch in a doctors office. Still had the pain. Still wanted to die. But I am still here. Why for you? Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 5:49 pm I….the major part of me doesn’t want to die. the other part is smaller but more powerful. i want out of this pain and this fight and this situation where i’m always in a tug of war with my body. but i get in this way where i can’t stop myself from taking the pills or making the cuts Log in to Reply deadinside9 3/8/2012 - 5:43 pm Hey, if you don’t want to die, you are one step ahead of me. But honestly I think I might just try making a cut now. See if it does anything. I don’t think it really will though. Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 5:46 pm i have ocd and what happens with me is that it overtakes my body. so even if i don’t want to die, that doesn’t mean i won’t because i am out of control and can’t stop myself Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 5:48 pm Bull crap I drove to Jacksonville Fl in the middle of the night and sat in front of a CEMATARY! No one knew where I was. No note. I just didn”t have enough to do the job. If you really wanted this death you talk about you wouldn’t be here to talk…niether would I. The real question isn’t how do I die. It is how do we live with all this crawling inside our brains? Log in to Reply deadinside9 3/8/2012 - 5:51 pm Man I must be the opposite or something. I just took the sharpest knife in the house and tried to make a cut and I just like indented the skin a little bit. You must have to press really hard or something. I am such a *****. You cutters must have balls of steel! (or whatever the female equivalent would be). Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 5:53 pm don’t start, it’s impossible to stop Log in to Reply deadinside9 3/8/2012 - 5:53 pm Trust me vox I want to, I really do, I just don’t have the guts or the wherewithal to do it. Sparkeyes is there anyone you can invite over? Seems like it would be easier to resist if you actually had someone in the room with you instead of just virtual net conversation. Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 5:55 pm I have PTSD. Grew up in a rough neighborhood. Saw plenty that won’t go away. Raped twice. Used to help the paramedics drag the dying out of car wrecks behind my house. Too much pain. But my husband loves me. He tries so hard. He is the reason I fight. The men who used me left me alive… It was the ultimate cruelty I thought. To be left alive after all that was done to me. Until I met the man i married after 12 years of celibacy. Log in to Reply distant.road 3/8/2012 - 5:57 pm You CAN do this, sparkeyes! I know you can… and it is ironic…. With the way I feel about myself, it’s the exact opposite for others. I wish they could have the kind of life I wanted.. Please don’t cut, sparkeyes. Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 6:00 pm i am trying soooooo hard distant.road! I really am! I just can’t!! i’msorryi’msorryi’msorryi’msorry i have to stop i have to dammit. Log in to Reply deadinside9 3/8/2012 - 5:59 pm You sound like a fighter. Keep fighting. Me, I just let shit happen to me. And not all that much bad stuff has even happened to me. I just don’t want this life. Log in to Reply distant.road 3/8/2012 - 6:01 pm You can do this, sparkeyes…. I know you can…. No doubt. Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 6:04 pm but it feels so good and i know that no matter how much i cut i withdraw like crazy when they take it away from me tomorrow. it’s like my body is telling me to cram it all in before the meeting. i wish i didn’t think this way Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 6:03 pm Get out of your hiding place. If you don’t it makes it easy to just go on and on. To escape you need to find people who know what you are thinking. I go to this group my Doc suggested. It makes it a link to no excuses. Put up or shut up. So far when I feel like the preasure in my head from all the maggot like thoughts gets to be louder than the thought of how devistated my husband would be makes me call someone. There is always someone at the center. I got to claw it out of my brain. Get Out Of Your Hidding Place… Log in to Reply sparkeyes 3/8/2012 - 6:18 pm i’m gonna try getting outta this room, that’s a good idea Log in to Reply Unique 3/8/2012 - 6:14 pm Sorry i didnt repond sooner i was caught up by a friend, my bad, I have to go actually. Just wanted to say sorry. sorry. Peace 🙂 Log in to Reply deadinside9 3/8/2012 - 6:19 pm I wish I didn’t think at all. I wish I was a plant. Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 6:19 pm The hardest thing for me to accept was I couldn”t do it alone. Not 10 feet tall and made of kryptonite. Get out of your Hiding place. Call. Stop making excuses. You do it because you think you need it. I learned the men who hurt me still have control when I try to hurt myself. Those sadistic worthless assholes are the ones that still try to control me. I fight now. Not so much myself, but I fight them. I fight my Fucking Sister in my head. She used me with her boyfriend when I was 5. She wins every time I give in. All of them want to own you. This isn”t you. It is your past breathing down your neck. It wants control. Get Out Of Your Hidding Place!!!! You can win. But you have to want to more than you want to give in. No other way Spark! You won’t fight for yourself. Get out! It’s like a fire that burns inside your brain. Change the tempo. Change the air around you. Get Out Of Your Hidding Place. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Road is right. You can do it. I’m still here. I am not going down so easy. Fight with me! Log in to Reply Voxpendragon 3/8/2012 - 6:26 pm put down the blade. Go outside. Take the phone book. Call. Don”t think about it. Just do it! Get Out Of Your Hiding Place. Fight with Me. Don’t let it take you down. Log in to Reply Leave a Comment Cancel ReplyYou must be logged in to post a comment.Subscribe to comments: Don't subscribe All Replies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. 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