When i was a kid, i thought i was happy. I always got good grades, had tons of friends, never fought with my parents. I loved life. Do you guys remember those days? When you called everyone your best friend and the biggest secret you kept was your moms christmas present. Im in high school now and i have one person that i consider a best friend, although were forbidden to acknowledge eachother in public, and more secrets than i can count. I feel like its even more dramatic how out of control my life has gotten because of my age and even more because of how fast it all happened. In a matter of eight months my life has gotten to the point where even getting out bed is something i have to talk myself into. I want to say i miss the old me but deep down i know that that wasnt me. So here is what i leave you guys with: tell me who you were before whatever happened happened and tell me who you are now. Then proceed by telling me who you feel more comfortable as and why. Maybe itll help me decide about myself?
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
11 comments
wow..i never thought of this before.my brain hurts,lol.:) I really miss not carrying the baggage from my abuse,the person i was before it happened to me was carefree,confidant,and happy 90% of the time. but at the same time,i think in a way,going through this has made me a better person. not that i wasn’t a good person before,but it’s taught me empathy in a way i couldn’t understand unless i’d gone through it myself. does that make sense? so i guess a little bit of both. i wish i could be the old carefree confidant bubbly me,only with the empathy and love that i have now for people which is more than before because i understand suffering in a way i didn’t. i’m probably not helping at all am i?
lol:)
No, its tons of help! I know exactly how you feel. I go back and forth with that conclusion, too. I wish i hadnt have had to go through the pain that made me who i am today but as cliche as it is, it has made me better person. I, too, wish i was as happy as i was before, but im glad i have the experience now.
i’m glad it helped.:) lol,if you can make sense of it all,explain it to me,k? good luck. maybe what we’re supposed to do is find a way to get back to being the way we were before,but also with our newfound empathy. it’s easier said than done,i know,but i believe in us all. 🙂
I was popular had heaps of friends life of the party then the shit hot the fan I was cutting overdosing causing dramas all because I was raped at. The age of 18…I’m now 43 and diagnosed bipolar rapid cycling with evil depressions that hit without warning I loved who I was before all this crap in my life I used to trust people and get on with everyone now I isolate myself lest I do or say something embarrassing…
as a child: curious, sensitive to other people pain, carefree, hopeful in humanity
as a teen (14-18) : shy, anxious, low self-esteem, depressed
18-21: empathic, confident, detached, hopeful (in my future, not in humanity)
july 2010 – now: overly detached, cynical, hopeless & my death wish > survival instinct
I’m the most comfortable with 18-21: those were the best years of my life cause I was strong-minded & busy pushing the limits I had imposed to my mind (don’t try this because …….. [insert negative thought])
I’ve been trying to have a more spiritual approach to life (for 6+ months) .. as a result, I identify w/ my body+personality much less, I see myself as an embodied essence on a progression journey .. some say we’re here to experience, others that we’re here to learn & love .. so eager to leave this place cause I’m tired of all the ignorance & negativity .. BUT since I’m still here, I guess there are things I still need to experience
College years were my best years.
Undergrad and postgrad.
Plenty of money, diversity, fun, activities, new people and extras all wrapped in one big burrito.
Before and after that time, life just pure sucked.
Which now is why I am getting out of here.
Because I’m just a random collection of particles in a random universe.
No reason to continue dealing with the downs just for the limited ups.
Not like it matters anyway.
If you think about it that way, we’re all just a random collection of particles in a random universe so who are you to decided whether you get to leave? I never thought about it like this before but really, what differs you from the next guy? Aside from your obvious negativity, nothing. We all hold the same importance if we’re all the same thing. Don’t go so soon because no matter what, every good thing is always accompanied with a bad thing and vice-versa. As cliched as it may seem, it’s true what they say about not being able to have a rainbow without a little rain. If my attempted pep talk still didn’t do much much of a difference, I advice you to atleast go out with a bang. All the best random particles do.
I hope my cattle grid post didnt inspire this topic. The country’s agriculture is not solely responsible for my demise. I cannot remember much of my childhood. It’s not surprising given the amount of alcohol I have consumed in the intervening period. I remember being in the garden, it would be cold and crisp. There was a church nearby and the bells would ring out at intervals. My mum would be in the kitchen, calling me for tea. In summer, not a car in the street, quiet and peaceful. Nothing to do but relax and watch the world in comfort. I have kept my gambling and alcoholism secret for so long. It must be obvious, more obvious than the depression. Maybe it’s best to pretend like things are the way they were. I don’t think a can bring myself back. I tried everything.
hi almostgone
I just registered here today and found your posts quickly. I feel a resonance.
Your question, as all of yours do, runs deep.
To answer your question…
I was smart, happy and carefree. I thought the world was my playground and I could enjoy it as I saw fit.
Now, at an age that probably seems ancient to you, 53, I feel like I have a wife that loves me, but may not like me. I feel like even though I have a high IQ, I am an idiot.
I don’t have any answers as I have just registered on this site today. I am seeking.
Back to your question as to who I am more comfortable as, it is difficult to say. Of course I was “happier” as the “old” me. But comfortable is difficult to say. Right now, today, I guess I am more comfortable as I am now because this is how I feel and how things are.
I know that because I have my dog who loves me unconditionally; I am here now. I would never betray him by leaving him.
Find your “dog” and hold on.
JustSome1
I wish it were different but I don’t seem to be able to control that.
JustSome1, welcome! I just registered a few weeks ago myself, im still pretty new. Most of my posts are just my thoughts I needed to get out of my head. Im really interested in others though, and so I tend to ask about everyone towards the end. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I hope everybody does.