Tintern Abbey

There are quite a few posts with the same or similar stories… I am writing very slowly because I am not sure whether I should.  But I probably am searching for consolation, which is an intelligent thing to do, I guess. I have not yet attempted suicide but I think of it too much. I do cut myself sometimes. And that is when someone hurts me really badly again and again… and again. Ironic that instead of trying to heal, I hurt myself even more…

It is because of love, that has always been only depressive for me. I have never had a boyfriend. I have always been lonely and thought to myself (not too seriously, though) that I am not worthy of love. I believed it is teen age and it will pass. Then I met a handsome man, who told me that he is free and independent… and only when I fell in love with him, he told me that he actually has and loves his girlfriend. I could not do anything. I was too much in love already. Besides, he told me he was thinking of leaving her and having me… That was the hope I was holding onto, and while he probably did not really ever think of changing anything, my love just grew stronger. Then I had to come back home (I was staying in other country for five months for an exchange program at university)… and he almost instantly told me that he is staying with her. Twice I tried to cut off any relations with him… but I have not succeeded… Up until today we still keep in touch and I love him as strongly as I did before.  I was hoping that in eight months it should definitely have passed but not even slightly… And all these events really damaged my (almost non-existent) self-confidence. I am now twenty-one years old and I seriously and truly sincerely think that I am not worthy of love. If I were, someone would love me then, wouldn’t they? I wake up in the morning in very good mood, I find myself eccited about going to university, seeing people, studying. But in the evening I turn completely depressed… I do have to admit that for the past few months I cry every single night… Then I cut myself… and the next day I caress my wounds and scars as if it was someone else doing it.. holding me in his arms, gently kissing my forehead..  and fondling my wounds… both of the body and of the soul. But after being lonely for my whole life, I am losing hopes of finding anyone, who would actually love me. I used to think that I was beautiful, and so many people were fascinated by my intelligence, they would call me a genius… And now I feel like Tintern Abbey.. a ruin, a reflection of something that was beautiful in the past, but does not have that shine anymore. Just a bleak gleam…

I am sorry for this post, so many stories told the same things. But I thought I could try to tell someone… I really do not know what to do. I am stuck… I wish so much to find a relief, but more often that not I find myself thinking of suicide because I see no possibility of relief… My life just seems to head towards a downfall. I hope that this is just protracted adolescence. But maybe it is not… And even if it is, how does this help me? I find no consolation in diagnoses…