What is bad really?

I don’t like to say that things in my life are bad. Because bad is such an arbitrary word. Bad to one person can hold an entirley different meaning to another person… So what is bad really? Then, there’s so many components to the things that I DO truley believe are bad… which leads me to question if it’s really bad at all?

That being said, I don’t know if things are bad. The things I am about to expond upon are the events that I am trying to base my opinion off of… the events that foster my emotions. I’m not saying that I’ve had it bad or good. I’m just saying that this is what has happened…

I’ve had an eating disorder since I was 13. I’ve been hospitalized on severeal occasions… down to a 70 lb. skeleton. My heart’s almost stopped before… My parents have spent SO MUCH MONEY on getting treatment for me. And yet, I sit here still, six years later, stuck in bulimia. My body is worn down at 19. I have cardiac arrythmias. Problems with my liver and kidneys. A horrid immune system… I have gained alot of weight from binging and purging, therefor, absolutley hate my body… to the extent of getting mebarressed when I go out in public. Even though everyone always tells me how attractive and pretty I am, I don’t see it in me one bit. I’m always in too much of a fog to see it…

I’ve been depressed since I was 8. I was too young to even know what depression was at the time, so I never told anyone. I was put in gifted classes… always expected staright A’s from myself… always expected myself to win every dance competition… I can rememebr sitting in the bath tub, sumbmerging myself into the water… holding my breath so I could die. I always came back up for some reason though.

Since then, I have attemtped suicide countless times. I’ve almost died from that on a few occasions… I’ve seen a dark light before my life almost vanished, due to suicide… and saw a white light prior to my life nearly vanishing from my eating disorder. So interprety that how you chose. I’ve been in and out of countless psych wards which really has not helped. I’m on a bunch of pills which really are not helping either. I’ve cut myself, and I have the word “fat” scared into my arm three times. This sits amongst some other scars. I am pretty suicidal right now and want to cut, as well. Becuase I really feel like this is, well, where it ends.

My parents have already subjected me to their end. They essentially hate me, because I have put them through so much. I feel guilt and remorse every single moment of every single day for the things I have done… to the point where it consumes me. My mom has been physically abusive on a few occasions and is verbally abusive just about any chance she gets (I don’t like to use the word “verbally abusive”, but I guess that that’s how you would classify her behavior…). I cannot stand living with her. Always calling me names. Saying how I’ve destroyed her, along with everything else. Telling me that I’m a giant eating disorder, a *****, ****, *****, whore, pathetic loser. And I kind of am all of those things.

I’ve had two jobs since December, and I was very good at both of them. But I quit both because they brought out so much anxiety and dpression in me. Additionally, I would fall into a relapse shortly after beginning each one.  I feel so pathetic for quitting due to those reasons, and hopeless that I will never be able to stick with a job.

I am not a stupid person, it terms of intellect. I got a full ride to college, but lost my scholarship last fall, as a result of my heart shrinking again. This required another stint in the hospital. So I withdrew from college with a 4.0 grade point average. I did go back to school for summer semester, but have not gone back since. I’m planning on going back this summer, but am really questioning all of my abiltiies, as well as my self worth.

I really have no friends. All of my “friends” either want to fuck me or get fucked up with me. And I really don’t want to do that stuff anymore, when I am thinking clearly. I have bipolar though and can snap within a second, leading me to lose my sense and do some pretty dumb things. Because of that, I’ve lost inhibition at certain points. This has led me to do some really dangerous and foolish things. I was sleeping around alot and heavily using drugs this summer, when I fainlly reached a point of disgust. So I surrendured, realizing that my eating disorder was out of control, as well. I asked to go back into residential treamtnet, even though I knew how miserable that would bbe.

This was back in August, and I was released in late November. I did some amazing things in treatment. My family participated in family therapy, and I was so thankful for that. I really felt like we all made alot of progress. I overcame alot of trauma issues I had and gained acceptance of my body… learning that I was at a healthy weight, even though I wasn’t pixie thin.I greatly anticipated going home to a new life with a happy family… although some part of me, deep within, had this sense of forboding. But I ignored that, because veryone, including myself, had such high hopes for me. My forboding, however, has proved itself to be accurate. It has been one downfall after another since I arrived back in my home town.

I did, however, meet a man that I’ve fallen inlove with. This was after I swore off guys altogether. I have never been inlove before, but am madly inlove with him. He has done so much for me… given me the world, basically. He is everything in my life. And I nearly threw that away when I cheated on him a month ago. I was drunk, and all of my “friends” convinced me to do it, even though I said that I didn’t even think I could kiss anyone else. But all my friends said that I needed someone more social and outgoing. My boyfriends is five years older than me, thus, past all of the “let’s get trashed and rediculous” phase. I kind of am, too, because I see alot of validity behind his perspectives. But that’s how I am now. I was so wrong then. There are no excuses that could ever make up for this mistake. I will never forgive myself for cheating, even though he forgave me for some reason. This was after a great deal of drama and turmoil ensued.  I nearly died after what I had done. When I was in the act of cheating, I felt numb. I felt like I was being suffocated, and trapped by the weight of the world by the other guy’s body. I was just staring at the cieling completly beside myself, so I pushed him off of me after five minutes. I felt so horrid, so lost… because I had just betrayed the most valuable person in my life. My boyfriend was hurt very badly, as was I. We both hurt very badly… I will never be able to take away his pain. Because I am truley a bad person. I try to be good, but I did so much wrong… I will never be able to make things right… I just want to take away all of his suffering.

I want to take away all of his suffering, because I would go to any length for him. Pretty much any length. He tries his best to understnad what I am going through. But he always feels like he isn’t enough when I get into these fatalistics states… which is far from true. He is more than enough. He is my life, my love… all of my heart. But I am really nothing. Because while I am compelled and willing to go to any length for him, this is the one length that I cannot go to. Getting my demons out of my head. His love is, like I said, more than enough… but these demons are something that I’ve been fighting off for years. Maybe they’re just really engaged in the battle right now, so perhaps this will pass? Irregaurdless, this is not his fault. This is not his responsobility… to cure me from something that has ailed me the majority of my life. Only I can make myself well… and I really do not know if I am capable of doing so. This breaks my heart, because I want to give him the world.

I am trying my best to get back on my two feet though, so we can save up, live together, and have a wonderful future togehter. I already explained the whole job situation… But I do have one thing that could possibly equate to some notable success. I’ve written two books, and am currently working with a publishing company. Writing is pretty much the only thing that I am good at. However, I have heard from a few sources that this particular publishing company is shady, and that I need to get an agent/alternative company. I don’t know how, or even if I can do this, since the current company I’m with contacted me. They based their desire to contact me upon writing they read from my website. I’ve already told people about the company after I called them back… because I was so elated… what if this doesn’t work out though? It will just be another thing that I didn’t follow through with.

I don’t like to say this either, but I feel really misunderstood. Very pathetic. And very alone… like I’m trapped with no escape to ever be found. So here I am, sitting alone in my stupid home… broke, unemployed, uneducated, unmotivated… I am trying to make things work. I am trying to fix everything. but anytime I have a comitment, I get so pressured and stressed that I quit. That is such a rediculous thing, but it’s what I do… and I feel like I’m the only one who does this… everytime I try to do something, I want to do so many things and achieve so much, that I get overwhlemed and shut down. I am a prisoner of my own short-comings… a prisoner of my own insanity…

But is this really bad? Sure, I have an eating disorder… but I should be thankful that I have food even. Sure, my parents can make me crumble, but atleast I have a family that has always provided for me. Sure, I may have a fucked-up mind, but atleast I have a brain and can think… Sure, things may feel bad, but are they really?

What is anything really?

I don’t know anymore, and I’m tired of asking. Good, bad, whatever, I’m pretty much done. I know that this is very selfsih, and that I will hurt many people. I am going to hurt my boyfriend the most, which is why I am in tears right now. All I really want though is someone that I know will always be there for me… whenever I need them… I am there for so many people, yet pretty much no one is out there that I can depend on. I cannot even depend on myself. I have my boyfriend, who is there for me as much as he possibly can be, but I don’t want to go being a burden to him.I don’t want oour relationship to be soly based upon my problems… So I don’t know. I’m so sorry to everyone that I was ever born… that I have been another integral factor in the distruction of human kind… that I appear to take everything for granted, and more than all of the above, I am sorry that my boyfriend ever met me and fell inlove with me.

I don’t know what I’m saying, but these are my words. This has been my life. Good, bad, whatever, this is it.