What is there left to live for? (This was my “My Story” section from my Tumblr)

A lot of people want to know “my story” and why I self harm and why I starve and things like that. But I don’t have a specific thing that made me who I am. My life had always been shit. So I guess I should just give the over look of it all.
When I was very young, I was home schooled, and an only child. I was completely spoiled. My dad worked and my mom would take me to do tap, ballet, caly pottery, charcoals, gymnastics, karate, and anything else my little heart desired. By the age of 5, I had just about the knowledge of a 5th grader because I was so well schooled by my mother. So my mom decided I could take a year off from learning because I already knew so much, but as it turned out within the year I had forgotten just about everything. So at the age of 7 I began attending school.
By this time, I had a two year old sister, and my mom had decided to get a job. I went to my church which had doubled as a Christian private elementary school. As you can tell, I was extremely sheltered.
I went to public school the next year and learned a lot… There was more to the world than mommy and daddy, and I wanted to know what I was. All the kids were mean to me because I learned quickly, but was not “street smart”. I isolated myself. I started to draw and conjure up a world of imaginary friends. In short, I coped. I learned about the world slowly.
My dad had turned back to drugs and my mom was constantly irritable and abusive to my uneducated sister. Anything my sister knew, she did from school. She was socially neglected. I remember one time when she was jumping on her bed and broke it. She didn’t know any better, she was only 2. But my mom didn’t care, she yelled and cursed anyways. I held my crying sister and my mom threw her sippy-cup at her and it bruised her. That’s when my sister and I learned it was time to grow up, and shut up.
Once, my mom old friend moved in across the street. They had been friends since they were 5, so the went right back to talking and seeing each other all the time. She had a daughter about a year younger than me. At this stage of my life, I hated “immature” people. I liked to hang out with the older kids. So naturally I was more interested in her brother who was 6 years older than me.
He was the first real friend I had. So I grew up as a tom boy. We would hang out all the time and play video games and skate board and stuff like that. We would walk around and see his other friends too. That’s where I got my social circle and my social habits. They were “emo skater ravers” and most of them were guys. So I basically grew up like a guy.
Later down the road, this older brother and I hit it off. I was about 12 when we started dating. He was a lot older than me, but none of our friends knew. As far as everyone knew, I was 17. Soon I started doing things that 17 year olds did… Like smoking and drinking and partying. Soon I was a full blown partying kandi kid. I was two different people. At home I was innocent and obedient and 12, while with my social circle I was a rebel and a raver and 17.
At this point I was just putting a mask on. I had no idea who I really was. At all. I started to cut and drink and use drugs to help with it. I partied harder and people could tell. At a certian point, I didn’t give a fuck. I would always be high and I wouldn’t ever talk to anyone outside my social circle. So I guess that’s why I’m basically socially retarded.
My grades had turned from perfect to shit. My dad would beat me for it, but I didn’t care. The damage he did to me was no worse than I did to myself. My mom was always a wreck and easily manipulated, especially when my dad was “away on business”. So I got my way.
But things changed. For my fiance’s (my “boyfriend” turned into my fiance secretly after we passed out 1 year mark. We weren’t gonna tell anyone.) 19th birthday, I took him to a crazy rave. We ended up passing out in the back seat of his car. He thought we had sex and was scared of being convicted of rape, so he made me never talk to him or his friends again. So I respected his wishes and left him alone.
I got suicidal. He had been my whole life for the longest time. Without him I was nothing. I went to school and I realized no one knew me. And hell, who did? I didn’t even know myself. But there was this girl I met online a while back. Her name was Kaytee. She was my best freind and my everything. So I went to her house and I told her. I was so dead inside and it was time to be dead on the outside too.
She had to watch me because I would do anything I could to be self destructive. I would scratch myself and hit myself. Just anything. When we went down to the kitchen so she could eat, and I stabbed myself in the thigh with a knife. She knew that we needed to just sit in a room with nothing alone. But when she needed to use the restroom, I took the chance to find a way to sneak up to the roof of their second story home.
You never know what it’s like to be floating through the air, so heavy, with not a single care, knowing this is the last thing you’ll feel. It’s amazing. I laughed. Yeah. I’m psycho. But I missed. I hit the pool. It was the middle of January. Hypothermia, I hoped? Not enough. When Kaytee heard the splash she came outside. I laid in the deep end of the pool and took in as much water as I could. Gagging made it worse and I loved it. But she pulled me out of the pool.
They made me spit up the water and get better. I remember that was on a Sunday night. The next day I went to school in his basketball shorts and his hoodie. Somehow I managed to hold the tears in all day, but I couldn’t fake a smile. That was the first day I showed a glimpse of sadness to the school. I bitched at anyone who got in my way. When I got out of school, I went straight to Kaytee’s. She made me. She wanted me to live with her.
I know that most parents wouldn’t let their young daughter stay at a strangers house, but my dad was in rehab and my mom was insane. So no one cared. At raves I messed around with girls, mainly for show, but I liked it too. But when I lived with Kaytee, I believe I fell in love with her. We never officially dated, but she was my best friend with benefits.
On February 26th, 2010, I got asked to the school dance by a boy who hardly knew me. I said yes. I have no idea why, but I did. From that night on, we dated. He never really knew me until a little while later when his friend got on his IM and was talking to me. We talked about something or other that lead to me talking about my previous raver life. And his friend told my boyfriend who told me to stop, so I did. I got better all on my own for him.
But we were kind of just that cute awkward shy couple that never did anything. So I ended things about 8 months later. Then I decided to mess around with Kaytee and some other girls and date a few guys just to be in a relationship and I fucked up a lot. But I was better, but I was full of myself and a whore. I didn’t sleep around at all. I was a tease. I was a virgin. I did more with girls than I did with guys because I wanted to say I had never touched a penis or anything like that. So for all anyone knew, I was innocent.
So I was alone for the most part. I would rave every now and then, and I would see some old kandi kid friends and stuff. But for the most part, I was just shutting up and trying to survive. A little while after this, Kaytee and I got engaged. It was an open relationship because she was a stripper and she knew how I was. This was late November. Little did I know that the next month would be the worst month of my life.
My dad was out of rehab and we were a good fuctional Christian family. I had some friends and my social life was small and good. Over fall break I met a guy and I could of sworn that love at first sight was true. But he broke my heart and used me and then dated my best friend. My dad got back on drugs and my mom kicked him out. My mom started hitting me (I still have a scar from when she punched me and I needed stitches and I never got them). So I had lost half my social group because of them dating, and then I lost the other half because everyone hated them. Then, when i had to move out from Kaytee’s because of complications, she killed herself. I had lost everything that was anything. All recovery, gone.
After 9 or 10 months of being self-harm free, I cut again. My life started to go down hill. I tried to be strong and be a boss. Soon I took charge and was in charge of everything. I always got my way at home and everything was alright for me. I stayed away from the social scene outside of school. I started over.
At that point I had been cutting on and off, and I had a massive drinking problem and I was trying not to relapse to drugs or raving or messing around with other people. I wanted to be clean and just leave it to me and my boyfriend. I only had my boyfriend and my best friend because I had lost everyone else.
Isolation eventually set in though when I realized how horrid it all was. But time to myself was good. I learned a lot. I got better and now things are clearer in my mind. I learned to deal with my issues better and how to put on a better public face. I’m more social now, and I’m able to cope a bit better I think. I’m hoping I get even better.
But all of this was because my love wanted me to. He’s the only reason why I was living, because everything else was so meaningless. He told me he’d take care of me. I knew my future would be shit because of my inability to do well in school or socialize properly, but he said that he’d give me a place to stay and help me get a job and get better. But he left me recently. My whole world for the past 3 years left me. Now I have nothing to live for because my future’s gonna be shit. What the hell do I do? Why shouldn’t I kill myself?