When I’m Depressed I’m Happy

You’re not alone with this issue. It’s a chemical thing and it’s a patterned psychological thing as well. It’s also unhealthy, dangerous and self-destructive. But you know that.

It’s hard to stop finding comfort in your own pain. Your brain patterns recognize these emotions as attention-getters or pacifiers and literally emit the pleasant chemicals/hormones that are supposed to be delivered with more positive activities.
It also gets worse with time as the more you allow yourself to find satisfaction in gloom, the more hard-wired the brain becomes. Playing games with medication can certainly make it worse as you’re considering. Don’t do that.

Aside from that, I can’t say that I haven’t experienced this countless times before myself. When you just can’t feel the good things, it feels good to feel the bad things. It’s perfectly normal to feel badly or self pity sometimes. You just can’t let that get out of control. For me, I don’t want that to be the reason I opt out.