hello.

I would like to think myself a normal girl.

I know how to be happy, and I have been, and I know it’s possible to be again. I just don’t know when.

I go through cycles, every time I’m heartbroken, I try to take my life. I quite possibly do have borderline personality disorder.

The last heartbreak was half a year ago, and I can’t seem to get over it.

This time it’s different. I don’t think I want to recover. I don’t want to be heartbroken now, and I don’t ever want to be heartbroken again.

I can’t handle it.

I’ve overdosed 4 times already, been hospitalized 6 times in the past decade or so.

I don’t want to repeat the same cycles.

I’m tired of bringing down the people around me, and I don’t want to mope and be the ‘downer’. I don’t want to talk about how I feel and be called selfish for wanting to take my life, for not being able to move on.

I don’t want people to tell me things are going to get better and that I’ll get over it again and that I’ll find the right person and learn to be happy again.

I know I have a good life.

Ironically I was going to grad school for counseling, have good friends, family that loves me. I never have gone hungry and have always had a roof over my head. Always had opportunities many other less fortunate people haven’t had.

I know that I should be thankful, and I am.

There are so many things I love about life.

But it doesn’t change the fact that daily life is often painfully unbearable that I feel I can barely breathe.

Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am spoiled. But I don’t want to try anymore.

I want it to be okay to give up on life.

What I want now, is someone I can talk to who can just know, just understand where I am coming from. And tell me that it’s okay to let go.