Well, I’ve been gone for a while now haven’t I? I’ve been through hell and back and I haven’t found what I’ve been trying to look for. . .
As the people who read my other posts may know, I was with a guy who I loved with all my heart and I gave up almost everything for him. He ended up cheating on me and using me for sex. . . And I still love him alot. But no where near enough to go through that again. The day after he was caught cheating and shit, I posted it to The Suicide Project. I never really came back to this site until today.
Since that day, I have gone through alot with people. With him, I argued over and over with him. He stole my skateboard and hit me in the face once and so much more. — Today he is with a girl of whom I will never speak to. With my friends, I lost many friends since then. My friends Hunter Cantrell and Grimm Riot both died. Grimm changed his last name to that of his first cousin just before he killed himself. His first cousin is Maralyn Manson. (Which makes Grimm’s name Grimm Royce Manson) Hunter was killed by a car hitting him. He died within 7 hours. My other friends Montana, Sydney, Danielle, Nakita, Jackie, and a few others soon began to bully me. They beat me up and hurt me severly. They spread rumors and other shit about me. They continue today. With my beliefs, I am unsure of anything. I use to be sure that there was no God.. I believed aliens were God… but one day, my grandmother began to notice how depressed I was. She took me to a church and that night.. wow.. that night i felt more loved than i ever had before. I mean, i dont believe yet. I consider myself Agnostic right now. . but i felt loved.
As of love right now, it does not exist. For me, my philosophy in life is.. You are born, you move up, you suffer, you expierence pain unlike any other, you explore, and you die.
I have been in two relationships since being used. (Three if you count this one guy..) One, with a guy who lied to me and cheated on me with two girls and had sex with one of them.. Another relationship with (If you count it- which I dont) a guy i met one night and had anal sex with :/ And one with my current boyfriend who isnt that bad. He’s never had a girlfriend before and he’s really nice. He has no idea anything ive been through throughout my life… The times i was mollested or any of the cheaters or anything.
I only wish that life would speed up and let me get to the age of escape.