I worked so hard to get to where I am, despite family background and chronic illness, I somehow made it this far. I have my family and friends mostly to thank for that, along with a will power I thought would never die. My illness already put me on leave half a year and now Im back in my Phd program and it feels like everyone is against me at every turn, including my body. I’m mostly better now except for the nerve pain. I cant believe I couldn’t eat for a whole year. It baffles me that Ive been through this. It’s not easier now though. something broke in me in that year. More often than not I think of painless, mess free ways to die that look like accidents. That’s where it gets tricky. I don’t want anyone to blame themselves. Not even my boss and department who are making my academic life hell. Not the best guy friend who when I told him to forget I exist 2 weeks ago literally did just that.I’m tired of being sick and well and sick and well and needing pain medicine just to get through the days and nights. Im tired of not sleeping and the debt collectors calls (happens when you’re suddenly on medical leave and have no salary and plenty of bills).I have just come to accept the future I have available to me is not what I want. Shouldn’t I be allowed to opt out of the alternatives? The only reason I’m still here is it would hurt my family too badly and they don’t deserve that. But whet do I do when I get so selfish that sticking around for them isn’t enough? I’m smart. It’s all planned out.