Sometimes I feel like I have no right to feel as horrible as I do. I’m not facing peer pressure, I don’t have horrible parents that do drugs or would kick me out if I was gay or anything like that, but I just feel like a piece of crap all the time. I try as hard as I can to be a good person, really. I never ask my parents to buy anything for me unless they ask for a birthday or Christmas list (and I never put more than three or four things down, knowing that we can’t afford much), I do anything and everything for everybody in my life and I can’t even remember the last time I ever hurt anyone’s feelings on purpose.
I have had thoughts of suicide since 6th grade, but never in my life did I think I would ever really get so close to trying to kill myself.  I seriously think the only reason I didn’t already do it is because we don’t keep guns in the house. If I were to kill myself, I would want it to be quick. So I wouldn’t be able to sit there, dying, and wish I hadn’t. Wish that someone would walk in and save me. I’ve held a knife to my throat but couldn’t bare the thought of cutting myself and regretting it when it’s too late.
Whenever someone compliments me or buys me something, that’s when I start to feel horrible. I’m just this little peace of worthless skin and bones. I take precious oxygen away from everyone around me and they all just waist their time and money on me and I just HATE IT. I make absolutely no contributions to everyone’s lives and even without asking, all I ever do is take. I’m a selfish piece of garbage who can’t say no to friendly offers and can’t live with myself after accepting. I have no right to feel this way and want help when, compared to everyone else, my problem doesn’t even make sense.
I want help and I want to not hate myself, but I just can’t and I have no fucking right to take the attention away from the kids who are really hurting. The kids with abusive parents, hateful peers, and can’t sleep at night because they’re afraid of whoever might come through their bedroom door. The kids who are discriminated against or their race/religion/sexual orientation/gender identity and it makes me feel like such an ungrateful dick.
I am asexual and feel alone and loveless and ungrateful for a life that someone else would beg for.
11 comments
I doubt you’re really that bad. I am in the midst of coming to terms with the fact tht one of my supposed friends is an ungrateful parasite. He took everything and doesn’t even have the decency to check in on me or to care what he took. The fact that you have emotions and remorse show you’re far better than you think.
😀 You feel exactly the same as I do. I come from a good background, and I too have felt depressed since about 6th grade. People across the globe are so much less fortunate than I am, and it is so terribly frustrating to feel depressed knowing my good fortune. I am honestly very relieved to read that someone else shares the same thoughts as me.
What is it that you take? What ‘friendly offers’? What’s all the guilt and shame about? Who is it you feel you are hurting?
LIke emptiness noted….You are careful with money with your parents who you know haven’t much and unlike some messed up folk who like cannibals feed on the pain of others you haven’t hurt anyones feelings on purpose (though being human and hurt we’ll all occassionally blurt out things under pressure to show others our hurt, try to get them to feel what we feel. Maybe you are trying to be superhuman? )
Sometimes too kindness requires trying to not only not hurt but help, intentionally.
‘Wish that someone would walk in and save me. ‘ I feel that too and frankly the world would be a better place if there was more saving going on and less spending time on other drivel. I saw a movie once entitled “Real Men Don’t Leave” and in it a single mom disapproves of her son’s girlfriend who is older than he is. However, the single mom is exhausted trying to survive financially and emotionally and collapses into depression giving up on her little baking business. Her son’s girlfriend finds the mom and makes a both for her and pampers her a bit and watching I ached for someone in my life, on all of our lives, who would take a moment to be intentionally restorative and kind.
Hopefully many likttle moments will save us if not one person.
I tried saving someone. Instead he destroyed me. 🙁
Don’t want to hijack Aelnova’s post and I noticed something you wrote on Molly’s post emptiness:
emptiness7 Says:
March 31st, 2012 at 3:29 pm
‘You’re lucky If I walked upstairs and cut my wrists right now, it’d take my husband day to notice. My family wouldn’t know for months and my friends don’t exist.’ True though we don’t know what quality of attention she is getting.
But I relate emptiness7….Iost my family and ended up in foster ‘care’ as a child and am now married to a stone cold ‘man’. I’m not much of a crier (would get hit for crying when I was a kid so I stopped altogether). I started to be able to cry in my 30’s but am now married to a man who if I cry he walks out of the room and the apartment always has responded that way when I cry. And few people seem to be up for braving closeness to the pain of others. TV, shopping, eating, drinking, business but no time for compassion. I feel like I am in solitary confinement for being sad and needing encouragement. I wanted to love and support my husband but he is a chronic taker/user and liar and he hid it well for years. He ruined my credit, lied about being able to have children and now I am too old (thank god i didn’t have children with him though….he’d likely have killed them). Careful of Narcissists.
My husband isn’t a bad guy but he doesn’t care about my depression. He tells me to get over it and refuses to talk about anything. It’s jut hard because I need someone to talk to and that’s why I hurt so much.
Hello Aelnova, I am quite enchanted to see how similar we are, although I do face problems far beyond depression. I am disabled and on SSD. Primarily for schizophrenia, but I also have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, dissociative identity disorder, PTSD, and a condition that causes me to experience seizures when in very high or low temperatures. It is rather difficult for me to recall my first suicidal thought. However, I gravitate towards 4th grade. I have attempted suicide 7 times. 4 Lethal and 3 Non-lethal. That number is probably higher than 7, but that is a problematic determination to make, because there were times I did attempt while in a dissociative state. In such a state, I have no control over my actions. Therefore if you count the number of suicide attempts while maintaining normal consciousness it would be 7. If you combine my conscious and dissociative attempts, the number would be closer to 12. I have explored the possibly that I may not truly desire death. Of course, I base that on how many attempts I have made with obviously no successes. However, while perhaps that exploration points out that my desire to die is not exactly genuine, it also fails to point out rather it is actually death itself that allures me. A secondary exploration may indicate that it is life itself, that I do not want. Therefore, it may be safe to assume that the resulting power struggle observed is my own conflicting paradigm. A paradigm summed by, my desire to not die, at war, with my urge to stop living. I will continue to examine whether my mental charge is a by-product of persisting disease. Or are my conditions a by-product of my mental charge.
“emptiness7” does have an interesting point and rightly acknowledges your humility. However, it is challenging to asses whether your humility is relevant. Relevant towards suicidal thought, that is. My conceptual constructs rest on a foundation of “possibility” not “probability”, and certainly not “provability”. Your thoughts?
Richard
you have every right to feel the way you feel
you don’t have to let your logic try to justify or dismiss how you feel .. sometimes it’s more convenient to embrace your emotions/feelings instead of questioning their validity .. after you’ve accepted them as they are, you can go further and try to understand what they’re trying to tell you about your current situation, needs that exist on a profound level etc
to dismiss them because your logic is telling you they are not appropriate is more likely to increase your confusion, guilt etc
Me too
Seems like Aelnova has clinical depression.
There is humility but what is presented seems like the brain chemistry is pretty much malfunctioning.
Aelnova have you been to see a therapist.
In your case it really might be quite helpful.
Most of the things I feel guilty about are just little things. Someone will pay for my movie ticket or dinner and all I’ll be able to think about it how in the world I’m going to make up for it. I worry that people will think I’m trying to get out of paying for things or taking advantage of their kindness when that is exactly the opposite of what I want. I want to be the person who buys you dinner and gives you a ride to work when your car is in the shop. People lever used to do things like that for me when I was a kid and now they do and I just can’t stand it. Not that I’m not grateful for all of it, I just feel like people feel obligated to help, like I’m some kind of charity.
As far as whether or not I’ve seen a therapist, no I haven’t. Honestly, I really feel like I need to see one but that’s just more money my parents have to waist on me. Money that I have absolutely no right to.