I figured out a way to live and be happy, but it still feels so valueless so fuck it. I keep moving forward in my life, making progress, but none of it matters to me. I keep thinking about the universe and how meaningless existence. All that exists here only exists here, the rules and thoughts and colors and laughter; all this bullshit is on this stupid rock, Earth.
It’s all bullshit, emotions/feelings, was over me but never become part of me. I don’t get it. I don’t get why I seem to be the only one around me aware of the fatal flaws in the little lives we lead.
I always get back to this point because I hate eating. Eating is natural, keeps you alive and healthy. When I eat, I’m energized and I don’t think of this. But I can’t eat, no appetite. I’m down to living off raw fruits and veggies as they rarely bring on the bloating and nausea I get from everything else.
When I was a kid, I believed the devil or some evil force was trying to get me to kill myself, just with how shitty my lifes been. i still think this though, like I’m standing still and life is just torrential waves crashing around me. Don’t want to get swept up and don’t want to wait around for it to stop. don’t want don’t want don’t want. gosh. it’s that simple, I don’t want. I know what it is to have: possessions and life.
fudge
1 comment
It sounds like you can be happy, but when you reflect on it, it feels meaningless. If you’re interested in the intellectual side of the human need for meaningness, you can try Roy F. Baumeister’s book The Meaning of Life. It’s like an analytical study of what humans need to feel their lives have meaning. I can also recommend theviewfromhell.blogspot.com as a website that delves into similiar themes (the webmaster is currently reading the aforementioned book).
I also feel a bit more energised whenever I’ve eaten, so blood sugar definitely has some relation to mood. You can have your blood sugar tested to see if it keeps stable, if that helps.
I think reflection comes from intellect and especially the ability of intuition to find meaning through the relatedness of things. Of course, everything is ultimately meaningless – we must find those avenues in life that gives us the _feeling_ of meaning, and we will only find those things by searching for them. So start searching today would be my advice.