You think you’re the loneliest person out there?
High school has been the loneliest, hardest time.
I’m not going to go into detail but I’ve always been fairly lonely due to my social issues (self diagnosed, selective mutism)or whatever you want to call it. (I heard my mom talk to someone saying how I was assessed for the possibility of selective mutism, but it came out as negative apparently…
It had to haveÂ definitely been overlooked, as I usually didn’t talk unless spoken to, mostly in school and in unfamiliar territory.
People had to come up to me first, initiating friendship. I really don’t know what is the cause of this ‘social disorder’.
Maybe it had to do with my speech issues/funny voice, which I could have been embarrassed about, and I have to say I think I have always had troubles with social cues.
Well this fear of talking and expressing myself ruined my life. I was know as the girl who couldn’t talk. It was torture. I was miserable all through my child hood till this day (im almost 18 now)
So getting back to the loneliness; In gr.9 (first year of highschool) Iwas very nervous about making new friends because then I would have to start talking and be noticed by everyone “oh she talks, now?”, or else also be noticed my new people for how I don’t talk.
Igradually took the “isolationÂ root”, where I l gradually dropped off and started alienating my friends, barely saying a word to anyone , all through highschool. It was hell. I can’t emphisize how suicidal I was. Everyday I would go into the library away from everyone and eat my lunch and sit there staring at the study carols and the clock , thinking of ways to kill myself, and analyzing my life. I would barely eat anything because food wasn’t aloud in the library. Every day after school I would rush home and eat the first thing I saw because I was starving. I wont even get into theÂ other agonizing details that added to the miserability of my days. everynight I would stay up super late, not wanting morning to come. In the morning I would be exhausted, barely having time to put makeup on, nd breakfast,.Â Don’t even get me started on my x bestfriend who I used to carpool with to school and back, the rides, Long and silent. I had nothing to say to her. I was severely depressed.Â I wanted to go to a new school where I didnt know anyone. I was to humiliated to tell anyone until gr. 11 …
Fastforwarding to now… now I am doing online scshool, I have one good friend, who I still haven’t found a wayÂ to admit my problems to yet. She knows the basic stuff about how I dropped out of regular school, due to my failing, but I dontknow if she knows the real reasons, I hope her dad told her( he knows)…I never liked who I was, I’m started to accept my self now, and actually be proud of being different, but it is still very lonely.
I hate talking to the therapist because I don’t know whats wrong with me and how to explain it.
I’m embaressed that everyone knows everything and that I look pathetic.
Well you know whatÂ say to that? They are ignorant, they cannot judge me, they don’t know me, they are not god.
God doesn’t know me. (Assuming there is one). Still n0o matter what I say to myself,Â these feelings don’t go away.
You don’t know how hard it is, covering things up, pretending to have friends, pretending everythings okay, pretending I understand, pretending to care, but even harder opening up with the truth.
I’m exhausted. In all ways.
If only I could be acknowledged for how I truly feel/felt.
No amount of words will ever compensate for genuine understanding.
I don’t know how to explain it. There is no one like me, at least not that I’ve encountered yet…
I don’t want to die, mostly because the fear of the unknown, I just want to escape.
Thanks for listening 🙂