I’m lost

I chose this to be my username for a reason. I’m out of options. Everyone says I’m not allowed to kill myself or self injure or smoke or drink or do drugs but at the same time they say I don’t need therapy. They say I’m not allowed to die but I can’t stand living another day. I’m living my life for other people, cuz I sure as hell don’t want to be here. If I’m living just so someone can see my face one more time, why bother? I’m dead on the inside. I might as well make the outside match. I’m tiered of living just so other people dont feel bad. It’s their turn to feel despair for a change. I’m done suffering, and I’m going to make damn well sure I have a solid exit path this time. I’m not going back to that hospital and I’m not coming back home.