Love tears us apart

I was with the love of my life for 6 years. We loved eachother so much, were wedding planning and never had arguments, just healthy discussions. 
For the last year of that I became very sick. I am motion sick 24/7 for over a year. I was suicidal. My boyfriend was as strong as he could be, caring for me, but couldn’t take the suicidal thing. He cheated on me 3 times with the same girl. He said he hated it, had no interest in her and struggled to get it up everytime, it was just an escape. He stopped and started seeing a therapist. I found out soon after by seeing a picture of them on his phone. I asked if he was cheating and he broke down  I was traumatized by it, so was he. I had a nervous breakdown, nightmares for weeks, lost about 20lbs and felt like a zombie for months. I cried everyday for 6 months. We took a 4 month break and he promised me he’ll fix everything. I tried so hard to no longer be suicidal, to be optimistic. I believed this experience would make us stronger because it happens and ive seen it. Im not naive that relationships are easy, infidelity is rampant. I spent 5 months in therapy, read tons of self help and relationship books, and despite depression i had optimism. I made him worked to be with me and he spoiled me in the beginning. When we were together things were incredible!

I’m here 10 months later. The relationship was going well, my therapy ended but I could sense something was wrong. He wasn’t really working with me to fix things, but on himself. 
I found out he had an iphone, a twitter and was going to business trips to Denmark. He says there’s no way he was cheating again, he is scared of relationships and sexually I fulfill him and will prove that they were only day business trips for training. When i was suicidal he lied to protect me, so i would have nothing to worry about and has now become a compulsive liar and lies about everything to everyone. He was doing this because he wanted me but didn’t want to go through the stress of a relationship again because he was worn down and scared. Waving my death in his face was too much. I was still depressed and it was too much. We got back together too soon and he wasn’t ready. He hid things because he wanted to be free of me for a while but still wanted me in his life. Just wasn’t ready to give himself fully. He was still scared of being responsible for my feelings so kept me at a distance. He is still in therapy but not addressing the lying so much, more his self-esteem. 
I needed his trust and constant love to work things out. I couldn’t have him in my life still without that.
I believe he was stull cheating but he still denies again and again. I tried nicely to contact his mum, bf and therapist for some help, they all ignored me before I got the chance (I hardly know them). I can’t believe they could give mr clarity on my situation but are that selfish!
 I don’t think we are together anymore. He wants us to still look after eachother and he will fix himself then I can come back into his life but how long will that take. How can I have any attachment or hope when I have no idea what he’s up to
 I still dream to myself that we will go back to 2 years ago tomorrow. Things were perfect before I got sick. Im pathetic!

My health got so bad again I can’t do anything, i cant watch tv or use a computer (using phone) or travel for 5 months. I can’t work and want to so bad! I can’t get welfare because they think I’m lying even though I gave them medical evidence.  

No other guy would take this on, understand and I can’t go to places or work to meet them.

I turn 30 next year and can’t handle that either. I’m on the shelf already.

I can’t see this pain ending. I tried my hardest but I just get tortured everyday. 

On June 28th I will die. I will use helium method, if that doesn’t work I’ll jump infront of a train. The only thing that holds me back are my parents. My mum has gone through so much in her life and is the nicest person ever (she lost her mum and brother when she was 12 and more). It makes me feel sick that my boyfriend’s selfishness will impact her life this way. But I wish she would just be happy for me that my pain has ended.