Set a date

Today I set a date for checking out. I’ve chosen a method but have to do a bit more research. I’m nervous about it since I’ve tried killing myself a few times before and have bad luck and am spacey. I seem to survive strange things, like getting hit by a truck going 60 mph (I wasn’t in a car, was on the side of the road). This was not a suicide attempt–the guy was on coke and ran the car off the road–but just something that happened. I’ve also survived a savage dog attack where I got over 70 puncture wounds, lost some use of my hands and had to kill the dog to get away. I love animals and never would have done it if I thought there was a better way. I later learned that dog had sent its owner to the emergency room a number of times.

Point is, I don’t seem to die easily, so I feel like I have to be very methodical. I’d be the one of a million people who would survive what would be considered a sure method.

Right now I have no contact with anyone except my husband. He’s a great guy but doesn’t seem to understand the degree to which I was damaged before we even met. I was forthcoming and told him everything–hospitalizations, a spotty work history, decades of medications, constant therapy, to no avail.  His life has been shit since I’ve come along since I don’t have a job or means of creating a life for myself.

My attempts to be in the world, to make some small contribution, have been many and persistent. I have taken risks, displayed a non-quitting spirit, asked for help, etc. but at 42 after two years of unemployment and not even finding a volunteer job, spending my days alone starting at the computer screen, I have lost all hope or faith that I will ever be anything but disenfranchised.  I am very poor, in debt, and only drag my husband down. He has a good career for himself and will have a good life but I can’t make it through more days of being alone, nothing to do, no one to talk to, no purpose and no distractions from all of my failures and being rejected by the world.