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She told me I’m strong, for never letting go of my smile.

by mysmilecoversalot :)

I really feel like I don’t belong here. For awhile, I thought I was holding on for a purpose, but now I just feel like it is my time to go. I can’t hurt everyone who loves me. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that to them, they don’t deserve it. I was getting counseling, but I hated every second of it… I thought it would be hard to convince my therapist I was okay again, but it wasn’t… at all. The lies came so quickly, I know the perfect things to say. She believed me, every expression she gave was of utter joy. She believed me. She believed me. The feeling I got walking out of her office that day, i felt free. Even if I wasn’t “better” … someone believed I was. That was enough. Secretly I still starve, I throw up sometimes, and I occasionally cut. But those are my secrets, no one needs to know anymore. I hated having everyone worry. I hated disappointing my parents. I just want to be perfect. Everyone thinks I am better now, even though I have to go back to the therapist occasionally. My friends are thrilled, my parents relieved. There is one person who doesn’t believe any of it. She is my psychology teacher, the only adult I trust. I try lying to her, she knows I’m lying though, she wants me to tell the truth but she also understands when I refuse. She told me I’m strong, for never letting go of my smile. For never stop pretending I’m okay. But the truth is, I can’t stop. When I acknowledge my pain, other people get hurt. People become disappointed, scared, worried, angry. I like making others happy. Even if I am suffering, they don’t need to know it. I don’t know… I really don’t. My 17th birthday is at the end of April and sometimes I wonder if I will ever make it there.

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6 comments

aloneforever 4/6/2012 - 1:49 am

your so strong just keep going

ThousandCuts 4/6/2012 - 4:18 am

I don’t mean to bring you down but I see this from a different perspective, I think maintaining a fake smile isn’t true strength. Lying isn’t a form of strength. The real strength would be letting the people around you know how you really feel and having the courage to deal with their reactions. Honesty takes true strength, not lying. Faking out your therapist might have felt like a success but the real success would be telling them the truth until you get the help you need. Yes it is nice to maintain a smile for the benefit of the people who worry about you but if at the end of the day you still think about life ending then ultimately this is no success. The real victory would come from being honest with yourself and with others until some day the smile on your face can be genuine and you don’t feel this way any more. Maybe think about telling your therapist the truth or maybe talk to that teacher more since you seem to trust them. Don’t go through life faking a smile, we all deserve real happiness.

one_day 4/6/2012 - 5:17 am

I agree with thousandcuts. True strength is honesty. True strength is integrity. True strength is about confronting your fears. True strength is not playing the martyr so you can live vicariously through other’s happiness. For sure you have strength in you, to carry on like this, but it’s not enough (and I think you know this) so I hope you’ll get the courage some day to be honest with yourself as well as everyone else.

lifeishorribe 4/6/2012 - 2:57 pm

I can lie to my social worker,therapist and case worker all I want but my facial expression say’s It all.I’ll still be smilinq no doubt but after I stop my smilinq you can see the hurt that I qo threw.Your lucky,I do to have an adult I can trust but…She doesn’t execpt me for me.I have visible tattoos and she will stop at nothinq to qet them off.She say’s I’m younq and I can qet any job I want,I just need them off.

Really?When’s yours?Mines Is the 21st.You only turn 18 once so you know I’m qonna party my face off!:)Go April!

mysmilecoversalot :) 4/6/2012 - 10:57 pm

I am lucky, thank you for reminding me of that 🙂 My birthday is April 26th… I share it with my mom. That makes it kind of hard, it only reminds me of what a crappy relationship my mom and i have. I really hope you have a good 18th birthday! and for the record, i like tattoos 🙂

lifeishorribe 4/7/2012 - 12:43 am

Thanks!That’s so cool!It’s like what are the odds of you and your mom havinq the same birthday but yeah I quess It Isent since y’all don’t have the stronqest relationship.

Hey can I have your email?

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