I am slipping, slipping fast and hard. For a day I couldn’t feel the pain anymore, instead I felt numb, nothing, dead inside, which is actually worse. So both kids are out today, I am on my own, broke open a cheap bottle of wine and got drunk just enough so I can feel again. Trying to loose my inhibitions so I might just on an impulse do what I need to do, but I still know that my moral compass is stubbornly strong so I won’t. Crying. I want to die more than anything else. Still, it can’t happen. Really loosing the plot today. No point to even posting, but doing it anyway. I’ve got all the help I need, but something prevents me from taking it on board. I am broken into a thousand pieces, and don’t have the patience to put them together again.
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I feel EXACTLY like you … I’m begging God for a sign of some sort … for whether I should or should not commit suicide… I’m afraid of two things. 1) the pain my mom will feel after i go thru with it 2) what if afterlife is worse then this …
Unfortunately wine doesn’t help me anymore .. i’m too far gone for alcohol to affect me in any good way… I feel you’re pain tremendously and I wish both of us can finally get the peace we deserve..
I’ve come to believe a while ago that God will forgive me even if I kill myself, as long as I have tried my best to avoid that, and He will know by looking into my heart.
But what’s your mum for you is my younger son for me, he’s 16, and it would likely destroy him. So I’m trapped, for now at least.
I rarely drink these days, as I know it’s dangerous, so when I do all hell breaks loose.
The pain most days is just unbearable. Thanks for responding ellie.
I believe the same about God … but sometimes the fear of not knowing how I’ll feel and what I’ll see when it actually happens scares me a bit … but I think it’s just stupid doubts and fears on my part .. in my heart of hearts I believe that death is the way out for me..
Yes I think my mom is for me just like you’re son is for you. She has been there for me thru it all and she has sacrificed a lot.. my death would trample her ..
The pain IS unbearable. .. and what hurts is when people don’t understand it, or try to pass this suffering as something ridiculous as a vitamin deficiency for example .. I get so annoyed when people tell me to just “be strong”. I’ve been strong for way too long .. maybe that’s why I’m so messed up lol.
I’m all for venting and speaking our minds. If we can’t express our pain we’ll go completely nuts!
What’s caused your pain?
I’m an HSP, Hyper Sensitive Person .. I have extreme fatigue, random panic attacks, bi-polar like mood swings, body ticks and twitches, obsessive- compulsive behavior .. and deep depression paired with paranoia.
It’s impossible for me to exist in society … I can’t commit to anything because of my extreme fatigue and panic attacks. I’m like a handicapped 90 year old trapped in a 23 yr. olds body. Meds and therapy have only made things worse for me .. so I had to quit both… medication actually makes me more suicidal for some reason .. so my doctor told me to get off of it.
After all I’ve been thru .. they are forcing me to “hang in there”….only there is nothing to hang on to. I wish the system wasn’t so full of it. Most doctors hear the word suicide and they run for the bushes like little girls, it’s pathetic. 🙁
I wish there was something helpful I could say … but there isn’t. Only maybe – have you tried all possible medications? Probably yes. You got a good doctor you trust, a proper psychiatrist, not just a normal doctor?
I understand about the fatigue, I’ve had that for the past 1/2 year, although I think it’s improving slightly. I’ve got treatment resistant depression, and chronic PTSD. I also had some OCD tendencies and a few other unusual problems, but managed to overcome that. I have not been able to work for the past two years and am now on a disability pension. I’ll pray for you.
My doctor of course also tries to keep me alive, but amazingly even he acknowledges that if it wasn’t for my kids I would have the right to do with my life as I please. I really trust him.
I agree drs hear the word suiside and either chuck you in the hole or run like little girls but I have to tread a very careful path…if you say to the shrink yeah all I think about is suiside it’s a one way ticket to the bin..what fuckn use is being drugged and locked up? How does that improve your life??my depression seems to be drug resistant or I go manic from the drugs arrrghh
Sorry abuse survived I know where you are comming from the only reason I haven’t killed myself is my husband
I don’t think your moral compass can be swayed by alcohol. Curse of having a good heart. I wish I could come over with a litre of icecream and throw away that nasty wine (only teenagers drink cheap wine) and give you a great big hug…
When are the kids back?
You have probably achieved most of the things in life people are meant to achieve. I was bought for 1.2 million at the juvenile sales. Then in the first classic of the year, I opened 7/4 favourite for the 200o Guineas. Dwelt in the stalls, little headway and finished nowhere. Never really lived up to the hype. Kept making excuses, irregular heartbeat yet the ECG found nothing. You could tell he was a clever horse by his head carriage but could show the customary turn of foot. Spencer the idiot on board didn’t help matters.
@one_day: no, it couldn’t (be swayed). Cheap wine is for teenagers and for middle aged women who can’t afford decent wine (I still got a few bottles left, they are for when I actually enjoy drinking them). When are the kids back? The younger one texted me just after I posted, asking for a lift to the movies. That was enough reason to sober up (I had a few hours), and I ended up going with them. I figured I am safer with people than on my own. I am ok, for today. Thanks for the virtual ice cream.
@one cool cat: I’ve achieved nothing apart from raising my kids, and if I bail out now that will be for nothing. Hence no bail-out 🙁
You have achieved a lot more than raising your (brilliant) kids. You have survived, not only that, you have refused to let your experiences shape you into a bitter, twisted nasty person. Its a shame the most admirable experiences in life, you won’t get a medal or a wage for. But you can’t measure your achievements by those standards, not unless you’re a really shallow person.
Just came back from (my second lot of) church. Thanks one_day. It’s something I keep loosing sight of, like loosing sight of the land when you are semi-drowning in a choppy ocean.
You are sounding more and more like my psychologist. You are sure you are not in cahoots with her? 😉
Oh right, easter service! I forget about the religious implications of easter, for me it’s all about the chocolate!
Your psychologist sounds like one smart lady! Take heed…