So Tempted

I was drinking tonight. And for the first time I really felt emboldened to just… take an action I can’t mention here. I really wanted to do it. But I realize it probably won’t give me the result I want. I’ll probably get really sick and then regret doing it because I’ll be in severe pain with horrific stomach cramps, or maybe scary seizures and frightening rapid heartbeat. Or maybe I’ll suffer brain damage and then be a vegetable, wonderful. I’ll then hate my life even more, but maybe then I’d have an excuse not to have to do anything (like go to work, which I dread).

Every possible “way out” comes with the possibility that it may not work. That you could just end up going through a very painful time and regret it. Or that you may be disabled for the rest of your life.

That leaves me with no way out. I am literally trapped.

Yeah, there’s counseling, blah blah blah. But I don’t have much faith in it, sorry. I’ve tried before. It will make me feel better for a time but it won’t LAST. And no, I didn’t start out with that attitude so please don’t tell me that “well if you have that attitude going in it WON’T work!” I’ve heard it before

I just want OUT. Why can’t I? I don’t have a right to no longer exist? I have an obligation to continue living my life, to work, to do things I dread every day and suffer. Why should I have to? If I’m suffering so much why shouldn’t I have the option of a peaceful opting out? Can’t anyone understand that?

I really hope that when I die there is no hell I go to. Because I believe I am already in it.