Thinkin of ending it

This is my story, just need to share.

I was raped (sodomized, whatever you want to call it) a few times when I was a kid by my uncle, my grandpa knew but didn’t say anything about it. Grew up with that hanging over my head, told a few friends but all they said was, “man, that sucks.” I didn’t really expect them to say much, but nothing would be better than that. It’s the reason I don’t have a gf, I’m afraid that that abuse will carry over. My parents got divorced when I was 7, dad remarried shortly after that to a psycho-*****, mentally and emotionally abusive, ssdd I guess. Came to college about a year and a half ago, thought things would change, but my past only followed me. I’m tired of being a burden on my friends, having to use their vehicles for work when my car’s in the shop. Got into a wreck last month (accidently hit a median goin 70 mph) one of my friends was with me, both survived, few scrapes nothing serious, but I still feel like shit for putting my friend through that. Now I wish that I died that day, wouldn’t have to deal with the repercussions of it: insurance calls, having to find a new car, being a burden on my granddad when I had to call him to pick me up (he had to drive over a hundred miles just to get me). I’m tired of all the social stipulations that society creates. Tired of all the rules and regulations I have to abide by daily. Tired of depending on people. Just tired of living. My grandma died a few years ago, never got to mourn as inter-family fighting began right after that. She was the one I could always talk with about anything and everything. Really, I think the only reason I’m alive is so that I don’t burden my family with having to go through the funeral arrangements. My cousin (3 years old now) looks up to me, he’s the only one, I think. I dont know what will happen if I end it. I’m pretty sure none of my friends will care, “man, that sucks” will probly be their words. I won’t be a burden to them any more, at least. I drank a lot last year, tequila was
my drink,then I moved on to everclear (cheaper and higher proof). Stopped drinkin as much after I realized my friends had to put up with drunk me, again, didn’t want to burden them. Picked up smoking and chewing, just for the buzz. One of my cousins depends on me as a cash source, stopped hanging out with him after I realized this. I cut a lot last summer, and drank more. Hit a deer with a car, felt bad cuz it was my moms, got smashed later that night and cut even more. My friends depend on me for certain things (airport trips and such), but I know they’ll find other rides after I’m gone. Sorry for the rambling, just typing as things come to mind.
I won’t be able to come back to college next year (failed one too many classes, depend on financial aide). Another reason I haven’t offed myself yet is I signed a lease with my roommate and don’t feel like leavin him with all the rent, promised I’d live with him, I keep my promises, even if others don’t.
I’m just tired of living. Tired of being a burden. Just fucking tired.