I haven’t cut myself in over a year.I think it has made my life worse. I have no way to let all of this pain out, so I lash out on the ones I love. Ones? Who am I trying to fool? I have no friends. The only people I talk to are co-workers, my parents, and my boyfriend. He’s the reason I am still here, but he is also the reason I haven’t cut. He says he’ll leave if I ever do that to myself. Sometimes I feel that if I did cut we wouldn’t have so many problems. I’d take everything out on my skin and not him.
I sound crazy. Sometimes I think I am. If things don’t go my way I get so angry and upset. I try to change, but it’s really hard. Sometimes I think it’s just who I am and that there is nothing I can do to change that. This scares me. I have finally found someone who loves me for me and I’m trying so hard to not fuck this up.
I wish I could just go back. Start all over. I had so much going for me and I fucked it all up. Honor roll student and here I am 24 years old with no education outside of high school. Fucked my credit up at the young age of 19. I feel like a slut when I think about the guys I’ve fucked. I’m too much of a push over to say no. The only guys I don’t regret are the ones i date and even then I regret fucking them so soon. I’m 24, working at a factory, barely paying my bills, with no friends to talk to. How the hell am I supposed to make any new friends at my age? I can’t even get the strength to clean my house sometimes. All I want to do is daydream about a life I could of had.
Tell me, what am I supposed to do with all this pain bottled up inside of me? The only thing I have ever known was cutting. What else is there?
1 comment
hi, theresthisgirl… I think it’s a good thing that you’re not cutting… and your boyfriend doesn’t want you to hurt yourself. Maybe there are things you can replace the cutting with? When the stress gets overwhelming, sometimes I need to step outside and go for a long walk or do something to de-energize. If I don’t do anything, things seem to get worse… so I understand that things can seem bottled up when you don’t cut.
Maybe there are activities you can join to help you get out and about? A house of worship? Community service? Sports? It’s good to daydream because you can think about how things could be… and it’s also good to take some concrete steps to start making those dreams happen.
Talking or writing about it can also help… and posts like the one you wrote can probably help you organize your thoughts and get them out of you. At 24, you still have a lot of time ahead of you. If you regret not going beyond high school, maybe you can look into classes? If you’re in the US and your credit took a hit 5 years ago, most of your credit file should be clean in another 2 years or so (another 5 if you declared bankruptcy). You can start rebuilding your credit now slowly but surely so there are some positive creditors added to your file.
It will take some time… but things can change. Thinking about it is the first step.