Why we do it…

I never understood why people write letters before killing themselves. It always seemed sort of unnecessary and selfish to put the ones that stay under a letter apologizing why they did what they did because why did they do it in the first place? So I never understood why, until now. They write because it’s the last goodbye, it’s their last attempt to say they love who’s staying and they are sorry they couldn’t find a way out… They know it’s gonna hurt who’s reading it, they do, but they have to write it. It’s like when an old man decides to reveal his last secrets, it brings peace and the hope for forgiveness. The ones who stay will never overcome their death, so they write a letter to try to make it easier, hoping it will explain why they couldn’t move on, move forward, keep going. It’s the most difficult letter they’ve ever written in their lives and they know it’s gonna be a forever shadow in the lives of who’s staying, but they write anyway because they are asking for redemption, they are saying how incredibly sorry they are for having let their loved ones down, for not having been strong enough to keep fighting… they write because it’s their last breath, their last “I love you.”

As Elton John once sang “Sorry seems to be the hardest word” and maybe he’d never been so right before… how do you say you are sorry for taking your life to the ones who love you and the ones you love the most? Those who believed you, believed in you, who stood by your side, held your hand, hugged and supported you when you were feeling so down you couldn’t even speak? Whatever you write it’s gonna be your last words, your last message, your last chance to make the ones you love feel special and assure them how much you love them and how much they mean to you, but you were not strong enough to face it, to go through life with your cross, to live.

I am sorry. I love you. You changed my life. You supported me in a way nobody ever did, you listened to me, you heard me, you felt my pain and genuinely wanted me to get better. You cared. In this moment that words are so needed, I don’t have them, and I don’t have them because even they know they will never live up to how I feel. How I feel towards your support, towards your friendship, towards you and everything we shared during the moments we spent here on Earth. There will be no other chance, there will be no other time to say how much you mean to me or how much I wish I was as strong as you’ve always thought I was or how deeply and incredibly sorry I am for letting you down. I failed you. I failed your expectations for my future, for the person I could have become, I failed you. I love you. I want my words, these last words of mine to have such a weight that they will have no escape other than perpetuate forever and bring you comfort. Comfort over something I can not explain. Please don’t be sad. Don’t be sad because you brought me so much joy!!! You are a true friend, and I’ll carry you with me, always. I love you.

And you try to write everything that’s in your heart, but it’s just impossible. Even so you write, because letter is better than no letter.