You always told me to believe in God.

..So maybe im being punished. Again I feel anxious and uneasy. This tends to happen when you’re gone. Usually I am able to control it with the reassurance that in due time you’ll be back. This time though it doesn’t seem likely. I feel like my world is slowly ending and there’s nothing I can do except wait. There’s no use crying anymore, no use wishing you were back. God, how i wish you were back. Its been almost a month since the last time your soft voice danced through my ears, and i smiled because the notes making my favorite soundtrack were you telling me how much i meant to you. I dont understand what happened exactly between the monday night you confessed my importance in your life to the friday evening after football practice when we began putting our clothes back on. I remember we both did it slowly and without sound, we didnt face eachother either. Maybe i shouldve listened to my gut feeling. Maybe i shouldve spoke when you turned around to look at me for what i didnt know would be the last time. Maybe i shouldnt have let things go so far or so fast. Maybe i shouldnt have thrown away my blade for you. Who would have thought that the one person who was able to make me quit was the one person who was able to make me start again? I really hate life right now. I really hate you.