A Death Sentence delayed

U.N. Owen I have reached out to programs that are there to support ex-felons.  My conviction was so long ago that I am not eligible for these programs.  Ironic, isn’t it?

In the past I have been a resilient survivor but I’m so worn out now.  

I was raised in an abusive household and one that belonged to a religious cult that did not allow members to go to college (the world’s end was emminent therefore a waste of time & money)  Evangelize so that more could be ‘saved’.  They now have loosened their stance on that because lo & behold the end is WAY over due.

I left home when I was 19 & have depended on no one but myself to survive to today.  My constant depression that escalated about 10 years ago led to my not attending the 3x a week brainwashing “meetings”.  So I could slowly start seeing the forest for the trees.  I now have been stripped of “knowing” that I will get another chance in a ‘new world’ and this world doesn’t matter.  I now see this group for what they are.  I now know that I will grow old & die-something I was taught would never happen.  This world would be over before that would happen.  Crazy, I know now but that is the brainwashing.

However, like the Amish, they shun those who stray so lifelong friendships are now over.  Someone who knew me from a baby won’t even acknowledge me now.  

 My whole belief system has been eradicated.  Everything was lies.  I have networked with everyone I know not of that cult & everyone that has worked with me in the past.  I did volunteer work for a while with some dog rescue groups but had to give that up because of the cost of gasoline as my prospects for finding a job got less & less and I needed to conserve resources.

Had I not been brainwashed by this group I would have pursued a college degree (I was actually in a gifted program in grade school & no doubt had I had a future vision that included college I would have applied myself in high school & gotten a scholarship).  

Had I had a full education I would probably have had a means to really support myself properly instead of just getting minimum paying jobs that left me always juggling what bill I was going to pay this week.  

My father died a few days after I turned 18 but had been ill for about 12 months prior.  Unbeknownst to me, my mother applied for social security benefits for me being a minor.  She had me put on her checking account.  Checks would come in my name & she would just write ‘For deposit only’ on the back without signing & they would be deposited in the account in those days.  

After I turned 18 and wasn’t going to college, she was no longer eligible for the benefits.  However, my mother lied & told them I was going to college so she could keep collecting the checks.  These were the days before computers so it took several years for them to figure out I wasn’t in college.

I didn’t know she had done this until an income tax refund check was kept to be applied to this outstanding debt.  My paychecks were also eventually garnished.  

I was still going to this ‘church’ and was advised that I still was obliged to ‘honor my mother’ (even though by this time she had been excommunicated from the chilurch for ‘sins’ unrelated to me) rather than expose the fraud she had committed that I was responsible for to the Social Security office. So for years my meager wages were garnished & my income tax refunds applied to it until it was paid off.

Had I not been brought up in this cult & been allowed to pursue an advanced education or trade skill  I NEVER would have taken the money (my beat up old VW bug axle was rusted  through & wouldn’t pass inspection, no vehicle = no way to get to work.  I live in an area that has a pitiful excuse for public transport).  I tried getting rides to work but the only person who would pick me up was habitually late so I started getting demerits for being late & eventually would have lost my job because of that.  I had asked friends but they didn’t have the money.  

The church’s answer was for me to pray.  No answered prayer to me just reinforced God not caring what happened to me.  After all, I prayed constantly in my abusive home life for God to rescue me from that.  

According to church teachings, I even went to the leaders of the church to try to get help for the abuse but they always believed my parents & I was read a scripture about liars going to a special hell.  Then get beaten once we were home.  I had such ‘faith’ that justice would be done I reached out to the church multiple times with the same results. 

Our justice system is so messed up.  People like me are lumped together with drug dealers, murderers, rapists, etc.  There has been various bills that have been submitted to give non-violent federal felons a second chance by allowing their records to be expunged after a set amount of time (avg 10 years) but none of them get off the ground.  My opinion on that is because most of those that are pushing for it are non-violent but drug related and we know how staunch the stand is on anti-drugs.  

I’ve gotten on forums where ex-federal felons gather & it is so sad.  I remember a post by a 69 year old man carrying a non-violent federal conviction since age 19 & his one wish was that he get to hunt just one more time before he dies.  See, as a Federal felon, you are banned from EVER owning or being in possession of a firearm (unless it is an antique [not a replica] musket loader-go figure) for the rest of your life.  In a lot of states you aren’t even allowed to vote again, either.  Or hold a political office (that one is a real joke, isn’t it) That’s another reason why politicians aren’t very supportive of the bills that are submitted.  

A friend who has a conceal & carry permit had his revolver with him when we were in my car one day.  I didn’t know he had it with him & he had put it under my passenger seat when we went to the bank (he would have known not to go into the bank with it in his jacket pocket. But then he FORGOT it in my car.  For three days I drove around with that gun in my car unknowingly.  Had I been pulled over by the police for a traffic violation & the gun was found I would have gone to prison automatically for 5-10 YEARS. End of story.

I’m not trying to make excuses for what I did.  I broke the law. I also fulfilled the sentence that the court imposed on me.  But these life-long restrictions are just cruel.  By nature of what I did even getting a cashier position (usually a starting place) is out of reach.  I wanted to go to training for something in the health/medical field so I could count on having a marketable training but that is out.  I learned a hospital can’t even hire me as a receptionist.  Beautician?  Nope couldn’t be licensed. Funeral director…embalmer… nope license required.  No parent wants their child taken care of with someone with a record.  Cleaning someone’s house? Ditto.  Especially a thief.  Construction seems to be the only field that over looks records but I’m a 49 year old woman who is not in shape.  Never mind the amount of construction workers out of work.

I stress Federal Felony because state level felonies can be quite more lenient to former offenders.  People get confused because they know someone with a felony that had their’s expunged but it always turns out to be a state felony.

If I want to visit Canada, I have to submit a request to the Canadian government at least 6 months in advance & pay $300-400 for the processing of the paperwork.

Besides this Federal conviction & a few smatterings of traffic citations over the years (rolling stop signs, expired license plates-usually for a shortage of money to get it done).  I have never so much as smoked a cigarette, let alone pot or taken any drugs that were not prescribed by a doctor for ME.  I have a drink occasionally & on a rare occasion (2-3 times a year) I will put a good dent in a 5th of vodka or rum when I feel the need to ‘deaden’ my pain but that is in the privacy of my own home not endangering anyone.  I pass out, my pain is gone for a while but just returns the next morning.

It was so long ago & I was so naive then for my chronological age that about 6 months ago I thought what if I hadn’t been convicted of a felony & just thought I had been?  What if, because I had confessed, had returned the money it had been reduced to a  misdemeanor – then a whole world of opportunities would be opened to me.  

I think subconsciously I had always held onto that ‘what if’ as my ace in the hole when I was really backed into a corner (wow, how many cliches can be put into one sentence?).  I contacted the courts, paid to have my records pulled so they could tell me and after a month of waiting it was confirmed that I had indeed been convicted of a felony and all the consequences that carries. 

I had I guess a psychotic break upon having that last hope crushed.  I took a black & red Sharpie marker & wrote all over my body the word ‘felon’ over & over.  Down my arms & legs, on my torso, across my forehead I wrote it in capital letters ‘FELON’.  I went out in public like that, too.  

The government may as well brand us on our foreheads or execute us for all crimes if we can never really move beyond them.  So I figure that (1) I may as well finish the job the government didn’t have the guts to do but psychologically pushes people to the point of,  (2) It was a mistake that I was  born so this is a way for the universe to ‘course correct’ the mistake of my existence.   I have no doubt that if abortions had been safe in ’63 I would not be here as my mother told me so from the time I was a child, as far back as I can remember.

I did get to live long enough to know that both of my parents died and that my mother (my tormentor -father just let it happen) had an excruciating death via pancreatic cancer.  But even upon learning that she was on her deathbed, I wept.  Not because I was sad or relieved but because I was this freak who learned that her mother was dying and felt NOTHING at the this knowledge.  

Thanks, Dawg. I didn’t intend to share the gruesome details-sorry. It is overwhelmg- I know my babies need me but in less than 4 months we won’t have a Place to live any longer if I don’t find a job. It’s a shame because one of them has finally after 3 1/2 years he is finally coming around & acting like a dog. He was very sick when he was rescued & a real mess.

My hope bucket is just bone dry. I thought over the years I had made a lot of deposits to my ‘karma bank’ to draw on but it looks like not enough. I just want to go peacefully – I have been hoarding back Xanax but now what I’m reading that won’t work. I don’t have the guts to do anything violent to myself. I’ve thought of hooking a hose from the exhaust to inside the car but am unsure of the success rate. Lol…I have a ‘soundtrack’ to die by, too, like a mix cd.