Bravery beats all!

Today I was braver than I have been in a long time.

Last year I began starving and throwing up to lose weight. It became a major problem but I made sure no one told. It got better for a few weeks, then took a plunge in December. Coaches, teachers, and friends grew extremely concerned, but I tried making everyone believe I was fine. They saw through me and I started having routine visits to our guidance counselor to check up on me. I lied to her. She found out I lied. I was forced into counseling. At first, I thought I would try, but I quickly hated it. I began lying my way out, I thought it would be hard but it wasn’t. I was given an okay and I no longer have to receive counseling. I have been eating less than 500 calories a day for awhile now, and this week it started to catch up with me. Tuesday I passed out and had chest pains but I didn’t tell my parents because I don’t talk to my parents and I hate disappointing them. That night I realized how messed up my mind had become. I cry myself to sleep because I am afraid I will never get better. I am anxious all the time, the feeling never goes away, because I have more mental problems than just eating disorders… I know I need help. I can’t go on like this, it is making me crazy. Making me consider suicide.

As scared as I was, I went to the only adult I trust, my psychology teacher. I told her about passing out and about how bad things were getting. (I never tell anyone about my suicidal thoughts) She told me my health was in danger and she had to tell a counselor or principal. I didn’t feel mad, or even upset really, I’m just worn out. Tired of pretending I am okay, tired of fighting help at all costs. I let her go talk to the principal and make me an appointment for tomorrow, she is going to come with me so I don’t lie. They are going to call my parents again, making this the 4th time… that is the part I am most upset about. I just want my parents to think I am okay. I am terrified. Not only will I not be able to lie, but I will crush my parents thought of me being better. But this has to end, slowly I am killing myself.

Tonight I am praying to God for strength and it would mean a lot to me if you would pray for me too. I know I am more scared than I have ever been, but in the back of my head I have a feeling that everything will be okay. You see, yesterday I prayed to God for help and today this happened. I am not a very religious person, but I do know God is looking out for me. I just want to beat this once and for all!