Here I am. I’m told I’m great. Good looking. Smart. Kind. Talented. I do many things. Have loving parents. Have loving friends. Have people who care. Even with all of these things, I’m stuck. It’s like an endless circle. I’m sad and angry, then numb. I feel numb so much of the time…I…I’m not even sure what I feel anymore. I mistook my content with my gay friend’s compliments to me, as a love for him. I’m a straight male. I know this because I’ve tried to have relationships with other guys. It was never right…it never felt right. I never kissed a guy, because every time I’d try I’d freak out and feel disgusted. So, I led him on. Twice. Now…I fucked up his life. I just don’t understand…because I like gay pornography…just…I know I like girls. No matter what, I know. I’ve never actually had any crushes on other guys. It just…makes me feel like disgusted and I feel like I hate myself. So I broke up with my girlfriend…not even telling her exactly why. I just told her I was fucked up. Its true too. I’m like a monster. It seems all I do is hurt people. So very much. I became the thing I hated. An ignorant asshole. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling. All I feel is this reverberating echo that goes through my chest. It feels like a stab that just aches and aches all the time. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I just try to cover it up during the day. It comes back every single night. I constantly have conflicting thoughts and feelings. I want people to notice me, but I don’t want to be sympathized for. I want to die, but I don’t want to die. I want to talk to people, but I’m afraid. I want to talk to girls I like, but I’m so afraid. I want to imagine, but I don’t want my head in the clouds….that’s another thing. I have this weird feeling. That I’ve never truly belonged to anything. Anything at all. Not even…this world. I feel like I should be somewhere else. Like I have some importance. Where I will belong. Every time I try to brush it off. It comes back. I’ve been like this for 6 years. This same feeling. Just wanting to escape this universe. Just…I don’t even know. Why can’t it end? I just want to be free of this madness! I don’t want to lose that feeling though…or maybe…I do? I…What I think I want most, is to be happy with my life, but still hope that maybe I will escape one day. I have no idea where to start. I looked in every place for happiness, but found no true happiness. Just…let it all end…
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4 comments
You are no monster.
Sexuality is a long struggle to achieve.
You will reach perfection no matter what.
I wrote a post here called: the Queer.
Read it
Peace
thanks for the supports, ill be sure to read your post
Dang.. I had quite the response typed out, and the my comp messed up! I’m nearly out of online time, but I’ll just give you the basics:
I felt eerily similar to your experiance.
I’ve questioned my sexuality (and decided I was straight, eventually). I’ve questioned my existance, it’s relavance to others, it’s relavance to me. I’ve felt numb, and I’ve been suicidal as long as I remember. My first plan was when I was 7. I’ve pushed away those who cared about me, even my ex-fiance, who just couldn’t take my emotional instability anymore, and then I questioned if the world would be better off without me, I just seemed to hurt my friends and family…
Eventually, I resolved a few of those issues, and sometimes life has meaning for me. It’s often enough to keep me going.. But it’s still difficult.
Please hang in there, at least for a bit. :o)
Hugs..
thank you so much for the support…it means a lot. I do have a lot of reasons to stay motivated. its a large challenge though