Countdown

Hi Countdown

I understand you, I really do. I have also set myself “time-frames” and my own “countdown clocks”. I have attempted suicide 5 times (in the last 8 months), with one method only and despite my best efforts, have recovered twice after a few days at home and 3 times have been saved in hospital, the second time being the closet call. Waking up each time sucks big time.

I want nothing more than to die, I really do. I am desperate, alone, nothing makes sense and I find no peace in this life, only loneliness, pain and suffering that just will not go away.

One week ago my clock ran out. I had been secretly tidying up my life for the last few weeks, kind of feeling that it was really time to end it all, but then I had to tackle my office at work. Went in at the weekend and basically emptied it all. That was the end of my clock and I left, feeling very relieved and almost euphoric that I had FINALLY decided that enough was enough and this time it was going to work. Walked home, put my head in the noose and started to inject an anesthetic to induce coma. Needless to say, as I am writing this, I stopped short. I still have no idea why, because I am very much suicidal. The police were called by my work colleagues (they know I have tried to kill myself before) and was taken to the psych unit AGAIN, for like the 9th time.

I still do not know why to this day I didn’t do what I wanted to do. The countdown really helped, but it is not a failure if you do not actually manage to do it. It is also not selfish to want to find peace. I have seen and heard way too many comments about how selfish suicide is it makes the blood boil.

I hope that you find whatever it is you need, but it would be nice if it was the will to carry on, just for another day. I have been living from day to day for a couple of months, and it hurts, it hurts like hell and the pain just doesn’t go away. But I am still here, whatever that means, at least I am still here.