hacked through main vein and almost through me arm

i was fed up the other day of fighting just to survive everyday, you see, i’ve been living on the streets for a couple of months and life if just getting worse and worse by the day… i dont have any money for food or drink as the goverment have fucked my benfit claim up so i have had to beg everyday, mostly unsuccesfully, for food and/or drink.. i have lost everything in life and was at the point of giving up… i gathered a few sharp objects (broken cup, glass, needle and empty can) and started hacking at my arm, making a ‘T-shaped’ gash which is about 5cm long x 4cm wide and all the way down to muscle/bone., i even cut out all the flesh from inside the wound so i could get at the veins and arteries i could feel..

i got at them and hacked them up… ive never seen blood spray like it before except in the movies, which i thought was all a big over-exaggeration until i’d down it myself and seen it with me own eyes… so, there i sat, watching my life pour out of my arm, pint by pint, until for some reason, after about 4 maybe 5 pints, it stopped, i went as dizy as i’ve ever been, my vision went blurred round the edge and started ‘closing in’, my ears had a mad ringing in them and my heart felt like it was trying burst out of my chest..

OH FUCK! i thought, this aint good…. i went to stand up and move away but this didnt happen, my insides hurt like crazy and i threw-up violently and collapsed where i stayed for i dont know how long.. somehow, allthough i was out of main sight, a couple of police officers were walking around on dutyand spotted me.. i didnt want to stop and talk and tried to make off, but no sooner had i stood up i was back on the floor passed out.

i have been in and out of hospital 3 times since i originally cut myself as i keep ripping out the stitches they put in so i can make things even worse.. its now at the point of being a big open gash that can’t be fixed, thats extremely infected (not taking my anti-biotics) – it might spread and lose myarm- who knows…. i still feel weak, my heart rate when resting is at 109bpm according to the machine in the chemist i have just been to, which they say is a indicaor of how much blood ive lost – so my heart is working overtime to get enough blood with oxygen aroung my body…

how much longer will i last keep doing this???  i dont know if i plan to find out or not, i’ll see what happens over the next few days eh??