have you considered WHY?

I have this one so-called friend who’s always calling me pessimistic and way too negative. She’s one of those intensely annoying types, unbelievably selfish but able to hide that trait under a mask of caring before backstabbing for her own enjoyment. The kind of girl who asks how much work you’ve been doing just so she can brag about how hardworking she is before starting on at you and making you feel like crap… Basically, she’s poisonous.

But yeah, she likes to call me a pessimist which I am not. I’m not a pessimist at all, I’m simply a realist who’s tired of bullshit and doesn’t see the point in false hope or optimism. That isn’t pessimism, pessimism is looking on the bad side of everything. Problem is, the lines between pessimism and realism are blurred right now. What she hasn’t considered is the fact that maybe I’m not being pessimistic, maybe my world is as shit as I think it is and maybe the people are as shitty as I think they are- she’s fucking proof of that.

What she doesn’t realise is that when I’m around people I try my hardest to be upbeat and positive- if my cheerful self seems like a depressing ***** I’d hate for people to see me when I’m alone in my room and at my worst. Another thing that seems to have passed her self-oriented little mind is that maybe I seem depressed for a reason? Maybe I can’t see a bright side for a reason? Maybe I don’t smile or talk much to her anymore for a reason?

Well, the reason I don’t like to speak to her much is that she’s a ***** and I’m sick of her bullshit. But the reason for my other ‘pessimistic’ traits is simply that I am sad. Sad, okay? I feel alone and sad and cold and fucked up and the only person who seems to notice this is some ***** who’s too wrapped around her own life to notice the significance of my unsmiling face, hollow laugh, and miserable observations….

At the same time, though, I’m kind of glad she hasn’t properly realised. She’s the kind of person who’d love to spread and gossip about my brokenness, she’d speculate and laugh and then she’d say I’m suicidal for attention.

That’s why I’ve got so good at hiding things, really. I can’t stand the thought of people assuming I’m fucked up and sad because I want to be and because I haven’t tried to get out of this darkness. Because I have tried really hard, but bitches like her keep pushing me back down and proving precisely why the world and everybody in it is just shitty