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Here goes nothing

by MrMustard

So, I really am not sure what to start with except obviously I feel like something is very wrong or I wouldn’t be on here and I don’t want to here “you’ll be fine.” Thoughts of killing myself have been increasing over the last year or so after a bad breakup with long term girlfriend which involved an abortion that wasn’t mutually desired and ended in months of resentment and mistreatment of each other. I still love her.
I’ve broken up with girls, it hurts, but these feelings are lasting far too long. It confuses me because there should be no reason for me to feel this way anymore. I have lots of friends, a decent job, finishing school and am doing fine. For some reason I can’t stand myself. I always feel alone and like an unrelenting force is pushing my chest and the thoughts of suicide are the only way I feel better. I don’t know if I am at a high risk, but the thought of family reactions make me feel guilty about even considering it and causes even more self hate. No one thinks I’m sad because I’m very outgoing and smile all the time. Unfortunately, that’s not a true reflection of my feelings. I feel trapped and fake and like I’m a liar. My subtle attempts to tell people the truth end with “oh you’ll be fine. ” I’m very worried about what may happen if I don’t address this, but not for my sake for my friends and family. I want to die, but I don’t want to hurt anyone either. It’s overwhelming and makes me dizzy and fills me full of anxiety daily…

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3 comments

the Guardian 5/6/2012 - 8:27 pm

Welcome,
You are describing symptoms of depression.
In your story you describe a big loss, the abortion.
Even if it seemed like a good idea at the time, an abortion is a huge loss, and in your case it sounds like you wanted the child, right?
Losses in our life pile up and if not looked after can create depression leading to suicidal ideation.
I wrote a post on here not long ago called;
the Suicide
Have a read and let me know if this sounds like you.

Peace

MrMustard 5/6/2012 - 8:51 pm

It seems to be pretty close to what I’m experiencing. My family also all live very far away which adds to the loneliness. I use drugs and alcohol (have since I was 12) but my frequency and amount have increased drastically. The strange part is it doesn’t make mehappy or feel better it almost always makes me feel shame afterwards yet I do it anyway, almost like I’m punishing myself. It was not my choice to end the pregnancy but I have always held a women’s decision on these things to be ultimately their choice so I don’t get why this would cause such a downward spiral. Once the thoughts started they just continued to creep in until I’m obsessing over it. I just want to be able to stop the thoughts and have control again.

the Guardian 5/6/2012 - 10:42 pm

Makes sense though,
We experience some events and losses Like a deeply held trauma.
In our mind we don’t make the connection, but the trauma is in our bodies.

Certain drugs and all alcohol will dull your senses giving you a break from the pain, unfortunately in the long run they will deepen your depression.

You sound like you would be a good candidate for short term cognitive therapy.
It can be hard to find the right person to talk to, so if you find one, but it’s not working, don’t give up, find another.

Good luck

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