I’m at a loss of words.

I have this friend, he’s awesome. And sometimes I actually let him in, emotionally. I don’t do that to anybody. I hide my feelings fairly well unless instigated. He’s getting fed up with my lack of concern towards myself. I wish I could just be like, “I’m really just venting, let me freak out. It’s fine, I’m not going to cut up.”. But alas here I am, getting all guilted up because I can’t change who I am. I’m completely worthless. Don’t try to tell me I’m not, I know the truth. I can’t literally remember a moment that didn’t end in guilt or shame. I always felt like a mistake, thus being a perfectionist. I personally feel that if I am not what some one wants me to be (perfect) then why are they even hanging around me? I’m not a lovable person, I don’t have cute quirks. I’m annoying, onbnoxious, loud and quite frankly I’m not smart. I know what I want out of life, but I also know it’s a pipe dream. I just want to help people. Anyone really. I can’t stand the thought that some individuals are so selfish that they can’t look in the mirror and go, “remember that person who you made cry? Well your a person too ass-hat.”. I can’t stand the feeling that god-forbidd I stand up for myself, what if that ‘bully’ just needed to vent? I can be a punching bag! What if, while I’m trying to defend myself, this person is torn inside and I’m too flawed to realize. I look up ways to die when I start panicking. For me, life is an amazing beautiful thing, but I don’t deserve it. I don’t take risks or advantages and I’m usually left behind anyway, and I don’t blame them. I’m depressing and vulgar, I have ridiculous fears and irrational freak-outs. I’m high-maintenance to an extraordinary degree. Who wants to deal with that? No one. I honestly feel like when I die, great things will happen for everyone else. I’m too selfish to die. Yet there are so many kids, young kids, who wants to live so badly. Kids in wheelchairs, kids with illnesses, and here I am, perfectly capable of living, moaning and groining. How selfish is that? I wish there was a way i could give my years to someone who deserves them. I want to die, but people don’t see it the way I do. My parents would save so much  money, I’d be helping the economy, considering I have two jobs. My bosses will find someone amazing to replace my half-hearted work ethic. My coworkers wouldn’t have to worry about seeing the ‘sad one’ today. My freind(s) wouldn’t struggle to keep me afloat. My awesome friends could finally stop worrying. I’ve screwed up so many things in my life. I’m a horrible person. I’m too scared to try yet too scared to leave. I’m so fucking annoying and selfish. I’m complaining right now about having a ‘healthy’ life, who does that? I don’t care how I look, though I’m not the prettiest either, so many people do awesome things. Edgar Allen Poe married his cousin and dreamt about being cut up into a thousand peices. Everyone who eveer loved him died. He didn’t kill himself. William Blake was clinically depressed and watched two teenagers grow up in a fancy living when he wrote a poem that changed my life. Who says that can’t be any one of you? People who are the lowest are the only ones who can shed light on the situation. The suicide situation. I’m going to use this place to vent considering I can’t screw up my freinds lives. I refuse too, but these dark thoughts, they’re ripping me apart limb by limb. But along with venting, please..talk to me? If you have a problem, a thought, a question, I’m here!