It’ll take an act of Congress…

So my roommate dared me to post my story, my whole story. He doesn’t think it’s that bad. I think it’s horrible. And I don’t want to live much longer a life that isn’t mine.

I’d say I had a fairly ‘normal’ up bringing. I had a really close family that was always supportive and loving. Never any abuse in my family of any sort that I am aware of. We had traditions, etc. I have been experiencing signs of depression since the age of 12 or so (I am 31 now.). I have always been a computer savvy person, and have had computer jobs during high school and in the United States Marine Corps. During Junior High a lot of my friends were into dirt bikes, hunting, martial arts and other stuff boys like. My mom didn’t want me to get a bike, she though I’d hurt myself. She didn’t want me to hunt, she didn’t want me killing things. She didn’t want me in martial arts, she thought I might hurt someone else. So my escape was music and computers. I spent most of my youth and teenage years going to concerts and being on the computer. So back when I was 12, the internet wasn’t quite out yet so I was on a local bulletin board service (BBS) talking to a few people. I was depressed at this time and also upset with my dad over something silly, so I told the person in the chat room that I wanted to kill him(I don’t believe I really wanted to hurt my dad) and myself( but I did myself). An hour later, the local sheriff who was actually her husband was at my door at 130 in the morning…

So I spent the night at the hospital. Spent a few weeks/months with a shrink and said what they wanted to hear to get out of it. Come age 14 I was still depressed some days more than others. We had a family tradition and my whole family was upset with me. So I figured if I wasn’t alive I couldn’t ruin the actual tradition of everyone being there. So that’s when I tried to take my life.  Does anyone know how it feels to lay there thinking you are going to die, and pretty much nothing happens except a few minor side effects? So I failed at life and failed at taking my own life. And a little more personal background, anything I fail at, I never seem to try again which is maybe why I haven’t 17 years later tried again, even though I have always wanted to. I haven’t made an attempt since May 1, 1995.  For instance I tried sports and failed, and never tried again… I asked a girl out and failed and never tried again, they’ve always asked me, even my ex-wife.

So come age 18. Finish high school, no goals. No interest in the military but the recruiter wouldn’t leave me alone.  So I took the stupid ASVAP test. I tried to fail it but passed with flying colors and was able to choose any job i wanted. I chose one with a great sign on bonus for four years. When I finished school and was ready to go in, the new recruiter asked if I still wanted to go in open contract. I told him I had  a bonus, he couldnt find it but said i had no chice but to still go in. I wanted out and trusted that he told me I couldn’t.  So instead of Computers  I got electronics for 5 years with no 30k bonus. So  just dealt with that and ended up in computer hardware and not networking or programming which is where i wanted to head, not be equal to just a person in ‘geek squad’… Which didnt exist at that point.

So the first 2 1/2 years went ok. I wasnt really learning anything new and everyday was the same. Got a new captain in. He took up PT’ing then weighed us in. He measured me an inch shorter than i was previous, and I was now a pound over. I was put on weight control. I just had a new child too. And I was up for promotion. So I really needed the increase since my family was expanding. I lost two months 1/2 pay and was demoted instead after a month since they said I was incompetent to lose weight. My captain actually then pretending he was trying to help me bought me a book on the Atkins diet and ordered that I try it. I put on 40 pounds in a month and was shortly demoted again for weight.  They even had me runnign around the compound in a sweat suit ( you’re not supposed to) but it killed a gunnery sergeant of 15 years from a heat stroke that was put on weight control over 4 pounds. So they stopped having me wear that.

So all this was needless stress in what even though i suffered depression I really didnt have many stressors to trigger it too much in the past. My computer was pretty much my only outlet left at this point and during this whole experience. Napster was new at the time so I tried that out and didnt like it too much because I was more into live music. I started a server to automate things when I found out I was goign to be sent TAD to Mass to work with General Dynamics. While I was gone my server accumulated hundreds of concerts, as it forced sharing on the other person’s part. However I erred in not blocking files other than music.

So I returned. Everything seemed normal. Had a bunch of concerts to check out. With thousands of other files mixed in that I never gave a second thought. 3 months later I had US Customs bust down my door. They seized about everything they could.

It turned out the feds and the state decided not to pursue chargers several months later since there was no evidence of illegal intent. (Trading person recordings is generally safe if not sold). However that wasnt their concern, which I didn’t immediately find out. It turned out that some of the files put on my server were images of minors. But since they didn’t see any intent on my part, they didn’t pursue it.

So about a year later I was in the process of a hardship discharge from the military after all this crap I went through. My colonel sent it up to base and we waited a few months. Until one day I found out that what the 25+ years colonel and my new captain had to say the base general wouldn’t approve and follow their recommendations. He decide to court martial me since my computer aquired those illegal files on his watch. He was going to make an example out of me.

It turns out that military law, the usmj, intent wasnt required to be found guilty, all they had to prove that the files got on my computer, which they did and I couldn’t argue it even though it wasn’t my intent. So I took a plea deal for 30 months and served 22. Got out without missing a single good day. Everyone thought I was a snitch tho since I wasn’t put on MSR mandatory supervised release. Which is odd because everyone else released around that time was, whether they were in the brig for adultery or unauthorized absense or something stupid that wouldn’t be a crime outside the military.

So after I left the brig and marines behind me here I am. Pretty much just a useless soul. It wasn’t until I was out of california that I found out that because of some of the material people sent my server that I would have to register as a Sex offender for 10 years.. I have 3-4 left now.  But that’s not going to make my life better. I always have to live with this stigma, of something I am not and something I am totally against. It will always be on my record and will truly take an act of Congress for any of that to change. I know I will never be happy or even OK with living a life that isn’t mine, a lie.

No one cares enough to change anything. And I understand there are too many people on the registry that have done such horrible things that for them to change it, would be a political disaster. It is too risky for them to take a chance. If they don’t change it it works in their favor and defintely can’t hurt them but if they do change it, and they’re wrong about some of the people that should actually be on it, it would be tragic so they will be safe rather than chancing being sorry. So there will be no act of congress. Things won’t change. My life will not get better. I don’t want to live much longer like this. I will not end it today, but I feel like the day isn’t that far away in the grand scheme of things. I just wish my family would be ok with it. That is probably the only thing slowing down the inevitable. They just need to let me go, it won’t get better for me. What’s really worth living for at this point?

~Strahd

PS Ill update this later, I have ADHD on top of things and my mind was all over so I probably missed a lot of things that I might still want to say.