Just one big nightmare

 I wish I could turn a clock and go back to the day before I was born. I wish I could make my mom and dad to change their minds and not have another child.

Now I am hanging here, trying to keep up whit life. I always end up crashing down. It´s funny that I know that I can never commit suicide but I´m thinking about death awfully lot.

I just wish that I could be someone else- someone who could just smile and be happy, someone who didn’t care that there is no sense on this world, someone who would just enjoy the fact of being alive. I´m not. I should be really, because my life is good. Nothing bad hasn’t really happened to me. I have a loving family and lot of great friends. I have enough money to live on and I don´t ever have to feel hunger. I feel so guilty not being happy.

I´m not really sure what´s wrong whit me. Sometimes when I´m occupied whit school, friends or whatever, I feel not unhappy. There are days when I smile and laugh, when I act like every other human being. But then reality hits me again and I feel like falling down.

I have always dreamed that I could do something good, make a difference. I always hoped that I would find a purpose. Now I´m not sure how long I can wait. I´m just too tired to fight this same battle every fucking day. I just wish this would end.

Nothing has changed in my life. I have never been truly happy – well at least as long asI can remember. I have always just felt like this. So lost and so alone. Nothing and  no one can fill this emptines. My days – my years, are always the same. Nothing major really happens, and I keep feeling like this day after day. It hurts so much that all I can do is laugh.

I have heard that love heels everything. That love is the main thing of life, the most important thing. I´m not really sure about that. I mean I can´t really say because I have never been in love. I have never felt anything bigger towards anyone. When I was younger I always dreamed that someone would just turn up and save me. No one ever did.

I really don´t want to die because I don´t want to hurt anyone. I want everyone to be happy and enjoy their lifes. I hate to see my friends hurted, it really tiers me apart. I can´t stand the thought that someone would cry because of me. I just wish that someway they all could forget me and I could dissapeir. Honestly I really need this to change. I don´t want to take this anymore.

I can´t talk about this whit anyone. I don´t want to talk about this with my friends because some of them has gone through a pretty hard life and I feel so shamed to be this unhappy whit a “happy” life in my hands. Also I can´t talk about this with some stranger. I just can´t speak the words to someone who I don´t know. It´s better when no one knows. At least then I can act that everything is alright.

 ps. I´m sorry about the spelling mistakes. English isn´t my first language.