The unfairness of life has become unbearable, and so I need to end it.Â
My beautiful mother became ill, bed ridden for 7 years. The routine for taking care of her, was to clean her, feed her, even wiped her soil, everyday for 7 years. I was a 12 year old girl when it started.Â Then when I turned 15, I worked as a janitor just to put food on the table and buyÂ medicines, hopeful that she would get better.Â But she didn’t, and died a withered shell of a person.Â Then, my father became ill too.Â The same thing happened for another 7 years.Â I had sold everthing we had, knocked on the neighborâ€™s doors to ask for rice so that we could eat.Â I ended having hospital debts so high, I thought I would go to prison.Â That was okay, as long as my father would get better. But then he died too.Â Â
Tried to move on, engrossed in work, focused on making our corrupt government better. Almost everyone at work was against me, save my boss.Â He was the only advocate, a friend, and knew me more than my own father.Â But then, he died of a heart attack. Fatigue from the stress of work.Â All the people I worked with made life difficult for me so I quit my job and landed a new one.Â
In my new job, I met this man. And I believed we were in love. I thought that this man was my reward for all the bad things in the past, so I gave him nothing but kindness and love.Â I was happy at first until he dropped the bomb.Â He told me that the spark has gone, and that if I still wanted to see him, it would only be for talking or sex from now on. Once again, I felt the pain as a result of an attachment to somthing in this life that changed.Â
I am now a 50 year old woman. Looking back, I thought I made the “right” choices in life.Â But life just keeps playing sick cruel jokes on me. We all know that life is unfair, and we just have to bear it ourselves.Â I now know that love, truth, justice and peace are things that we kid ourselves with to make ourselves feel good, so that we will minimize chaos.Â I know the only absolute truth in life is death, because that is the only thing that doesn’t change.Â
I am not sad, not angry. Just so very very tired and anxious. Exhausted for pretending everyday that everthing is okay.Â But can’t wait to get it all over with.Â I find small comfort in thinking of ending it all, like a relief.Â How beautiful it would be to become NOTHING. I am saving up to disappear.Â Maybe go to a depressed 3rd world country where no one knows me and just die there.Â It would be like a one-way vacation for me.Â
What is the best way to end this miserable cruel sick joke of a life?
A vacation seems like a good idea i ve lived in thailand for awhile. Beautiful nature, very laid back people, very affordable. Or nepal if u like mountains. A one way journey. Hope you make it
I think you need new places and new people. You must be really tired. However, having nothing to say hurts, alive or dead, there are ways to find peace.. Wish you the best..
Your life sounds like my grandmother but not even half as bad as hers. Yet she is still alive and is defiant to the last. Her sister was murdered burnt alive, her brother was shot dead at the Golden Temple in 1984, her daughter was born deaf, she had two young sons who both died as children as a result she has no sons which everyone made her feel worthless about, husband had a stroke and could not move or talk for 7 years, she has her own lifetgreatening illnesses but survived, She was forced to move during the partition and obviously that wasn’t nice… there’s just too much more which I can’t write. We maintained unity and always made sacrifices for our freedom and the things we value. I think it’s instilled in us at a young age as we fought so many wars over the centuries and lived by the sword. We were a very small race so had to defend ourselves and were never defeated. When I talked to my mum she said suicide is not what we do in our family. I think that as long as you have something other than yourself to fight for you can keep going despite adversity. You can find things that you feel strongly about and at 50 you still have a lot of time to find it. My nans 80 and no one messes with her, I’ll tell you that for nothing.
That’s hard to come back from. All of it. I really feel for you. My dad, was sick most of my life too. He was my hero and the only one that really ever cared or loved me. My mom is still here, but helpless, dependant.
I can also kinda relate to the relationship thing too. I met what I thought was a great guy. If you look at him objectively, best guy I ever dated. I too felt like I’d finally got what I had been hoping for, and a couple of weeks ago, maybe less, I dk anymore.. he text me at work saying he was unhappy and the same day tried to get w/ my friend.
I like wanna and dunk’s idea… If you can do it and your life sucks… why not.. I think it would be amazing.. a new start. Wish I could…
@ Duke… your grandmother sounds like an amazing person.
Just give up lay in the pain and feel it. Everyone has a role to play in this life everyone wants the popular roles like the young beautiful woman that every man adores or the woman that finds her one true love and together they find heaven but who is it that plays the old woman who cleans, who takes care of everyone, who isn’t pretty but may love the simplest things with all her heart. No one wants to play the part of this woman she lives her life to only give and get nothing back. But in life all roles must be filled. The game can’t be played unless the dice is set up and cards and pieces. So say hell with it don’t play it the way it should be. Break the rules.
@wannabefree: yes, an affordable place where to be incognito, and just end it all.
@dunk: so hard to find peace when alive. how does one do that, when we seek fairness in life and on the other hand, the reality is that life is unfair?
@duke: maybe your nana’s strength is her daughter, and now your entire family. perhaps it’s life’s gift to her, something i do not have.
@llmorrow75: with relationship breakups, no one is at fault if things change. that’s life, constantly changing. Sometimes, these changes… we don’t deserve them, but it befalls us. For me, it was most of the time.
@wordless: i agree with you. that’s why i feel i want out.
Yeah but it’s not too late to find someone or something to care about. Me and emotionlessandlost are planning an epic adventure which is still something to look forward too eventhough we can’t really afford it.
I believe everything has a reason, that’s why.
Life is unfair and you don’t have to stay on the side which bear unfairness, you can move to the other side unfairly, haha, every move is correct!
Duke, i did care and this is where life took me. Wordless put the right words — that life is a game, like a gamble. youngsters have the upper hand because they have time on their cards. Life uses time to change things. And I have a feeling the time on your epic adventure with emotionless will be your Ace 😉
haha! that’s funny, Dunk 😀
Youngsters don’t always have time. It appears that way at the beginning of the race, but remember they too may encounter the same hurdles as you did and may soon find themselves making no impression.
Old people find reasons to live all of the time. They get a senior citizens bus pass, drink whiskey and join chess clubs. Being old isn’t so bad, as long as you accept the fact that you cannot change what has happened but you might be able to influence the future.