My anticipated Letter.

To all who’ve loved me.

i leave this is in wake of my soul, as it has left my body.

I give you my utmost apologies, that i know will never suffice for the loss or troubles i’ve given you, in my life and in my suicide. I would not leave a note if it weren’t for the urge i feel even now to assure you that it was by nothing you’ve done, that i’m leaving my life this way. To my family and friends find solace in the fact that were it not for you, i would not have even made it this long. You loved me, and did the absolute best you could with me. Be certain of that, as i am certain of it.

In this night i am in despair and self-loathing’s grasp, and their unrelenting tendrils i’m afraid will never let me go. Never doubt that i loved you, and somehow, somewhere i believe my love for you will live on.

As upsetting as my death might seem to you now, i’ve been overcome with an increasing fear that my survival would have taken a worse toll on you. It has become more apparent to me in recent months that I am sick, diseased, and dying.. both physically and mentally. There is no cure for either, no improvement. My weariness from this has brought a change in me, a change that forms the impetus of my choice in ending my life. I’m straying from myself, or of any self that i can accept living as. I want to give you a chance of a brighter future, to rid you of an ill and psychotic presence, a presence that has become my very own. One that would’ve worsened every day of my survival.

I will not pretend that i am selfless in this, i am aware that in my anguish that you may not understand, i am selfishly making an escape, and causing you great pain in the process. This is not my intention, and had i my drothers i would completely erase my existence from your memory, and spare you of the mental aftermath and any grief you might experience.

The deterioration of the mind is gradual, and witnessing it’s unwinding from within, i’ve found grows rapidly more intolerable. In my life i have been blessed with so many exceptional people, so many inexplicably lovely people, who found no shame in loving me at my best and at my worst. Who would’ve sacrificed anything for me, I know. i can no longer live with them making such sacrifices. I want to thank you all and God for the joy and love i’ve experienced, As hard to believe as it may seem, it’s not that i’m unaware of the incredible gift that this world or this life is. It’s just that i’m no longer capable of enjoying it to the extent it deserves.. this energy, this beauty, is wasted on me. And that on it’s own, i think, is reason enough to die.

I want you to move past this, for me. To redeem some good from the awfulness that you have known, and succeed. Feel no guilt, i will not haunt you. I’m asking you to move forward, and know that i loved you more than i know how to express. I’m asking you..to be better than me. To do what i felt i couldn’t. i was weak and self-absorbed, and by the time you read these words i’ll be gone. I’m begging you, to be better than me. Please. Look to the living, love them, and hold on.

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