So I had this plan worked out that this would be my last year. I would take the time to work things out so I could leave on my own terms. I know it sounds dumb. Suicide is supposed to be impulsive in a way; pain building until you can’t take anymore. But I want to make myself into a person worth remembering in a good way first. I know I can’t live much longer, I just don’t want to. I have my up days and my severe depressions and I always come back to the same place – there’s no point in keeping this up.
Unfortunately as logical and thought out I believed my plan to be I can’t help panicking when I really start to think about it. The thought of actually ceasing to exist is scary. I’m scared. And I don’t want to ruin my family, which I will. It’s impossible not to think about what they’ll do. I know I won’t be around to see it but come on, no one’s that selfish.
I guess what I really wish is that I’d never been born in the first place. No need for me to have to make this decision. No feeling suffocated and trapped between life and death. I never wanted a life but now I have one and ending it isn’t going to be easy.
Guess I’m sticking around for a bit. Waiting for a little enlightenment.
1 comment
yeah its not the easiest thing in the world to do and im certain most who are considering it or who have taken their own lives have battled in the last minutes to make that final move…i know i will. nice to see your trying to make positive changes before you go and who knows you may just not want to die after that. i personally believe no one wants to die but are forced to make the choice because of the way they feel for example if someone gave you 2 pills now..both guaranteed to work but each did something completely different..1 would take away your pain and you could live on happily and normal or the other would kill you painlessly which would you take?