On the edge, shit I thought I was done with

I can’t do anything at this point. I get drunk all the time, as often as I can. I take advantage of other people. People I’m supposed to care about. I owe people a bunch of money. I’m living off my family. I can’t hold a job, I don’t have any friends, and I don’t care about people who care about me. I want it to stop. I want to stop being me, I want to stop thinking about all of my problems, I want to stop contemplating suicide and just do it. I thought about it all the time when I was 14, I used to cut, I was manipulative, I didn’t care what people thought… I’m almost 21 years old. I thought I had changed, I started smoking pot, drinking, having fun. Now it’s all coming back. I fucking hate myself. I think I just shoved everything down, hid it in the back of my mind so I didn’t have to deal with it. Now I’ve dug myself this shit hole that I can’t get out of. I’m lazy, I’m afraid, I’m bored, I’m a coward. I’ve had my issues, and everyone else is right…. I’m fucking selfish. There ARE  plenty of people who have it a lot worse than me. I find myself unable to care anymore. Unable to care about life, work, school, family, friends… I just want to get drunk and high all the time and stop myself from thinking and feeling anything. I was so good at it. I made it an art of mine, any thought or emotion was simply ignored and forgotten. I would only deal with shit I was I was too drunk. Now, I’m sober. I mean, at this moment. I hope to God I can get drunk tomorrow, but people are tired of me taking advantage of them. I’m losing my resources, but alcohol is all I want. It’s the only thing that keeps me from dealing with my problems. I’ve tried talking to people, taking pills, rehab… it hasn’t done shit. I can’t keep a job for more than two weeks, I can’t get off my ass and do what I need for school…. I’m running out of options. I’m waiting for my dad to kick me out. Literally, waiting for him to get tired of my living here for free, so I can finally be over the edge, and not have to think about how my suicide will affect other people. I wish I could just be completely heartless, fuck everyone who cares about me, and just end it already. That seems to be the only thing that is holding me back right now. Namely two people in my life. My sisters. I don’t care about them, I don’t care what they want or what they think. I just care about how it would affect them. Really, I know my family would cry for a few months than be over it. Go on with their lives, my life eventually fading into a memory that they never tell anyone about. I guess I just wish they didn’t care about me so I didn’t have anything holding me back anymore. I figure once I’m homeless, I’ll have nowhere to go, no resources left to live or care… I wish I could work up the courage to just run away, go into a forest somewhere, and off myself so no one would know where I am and no one would know that this whole time I’ve just been depressed as shit. I’m so good at holding it in, ignoring it when people are around. Putting on a mask so no one realizes what’s going on. Being a man about everything. I like it that way, I like making sure no one is busy pitying me. But it’s all coming up. Everyday it hits me a little harder that no matter what I do, in reality, I just want to die. Not even die, I just want to stop dealing with anything. I want everything to be easy, but I know it won’t be, and I’m too lazy and careless to do anything about it besides die. I’m sick of waking up knowing it’s another day of shoving all my thoughts down, not caring about anything, and knowing that no matter how much I want to die, I’m too much of a ***** to just go through with it. Even though I know it won’t matter after it’s done, I’m too afraid of the few minutes of pain it will take to do it, and then I won’t have to care if people find out how fucked up I really am. I won’t be around to worry about criticism or regret. I just can’t get rid of the fear of death. Alcohol seems to do it for me, but even when I finish a whole bottle of cheap whiskey, and cut my self a countless number of times, I find myself unable to go deep into my wrists. I don’t cut deep enough, I don’t bleed enough, and I wake up in the morning regretting that I didn’t, because now I have to deal with the “you’re fucking sad” looks when I go to a store, and the pity from my roommates, and the constant self hatred that all of that shit feeds into.

It’s not a matter of if I want to die, if I care what people think, if I feel like anything will get better. It’s just a matter of when will I finally be able to just get it the fuck over with. I know it won’t get better, because I’ve gone in this circle of self sabotage. I hate myself because I’m lazy, I’m lazy because I’m depressed, I’m depressed because I hate myself. To top it all off, I realize no matter how much I ***** about it, talk to other people, get drunk, and shove it down, I don’t care enough to change. I have to be the one the to change it, but it takes too much work, and the cycle begins, so it will not change. My only option is to get rid of all of it. Stop thinking, stop feeling, stop dealing, stop living.

Thank you, human sentience. You’ve really done humankind a shitload of good.