As my depression and desire to harm myself have begun to take over my thoughts again, I turn here for the affirmation that I am not alone. The young age of most posters really does hurt, but I know my problems had manifested by age 15, I just had no one to talk to about it. I can’t add much to this discussion except to say: only we can understand where we are. My family knows what I face, but cannot grasp it. They are sympathetic, but cannot understand. It’s painful to talk to someone about how badly you feel, how you want to die, and see the puzzlement and confusion. to be told “but, how can that be? how can you want to die?? I’ve NEVER felt that. I just don’t understand”. It just reaffirms the depressing self observation that one is useless, wrong, absurd, a joke. It  makes me want to leave the world to happier people, people that nature did not give a broken and depressive brain. So, this board, though sad and painful, has this value to me: knowing that others can feel exactly the same. It neither justifies nor solves my problems, but at least i feel less like an alien on earth. Bless you all on this particularly sad day. Take this one thought: you are BRAVE whether you think so or not. Most of the population never feels this way; never has to climb a mountain of despair and regret to get out of bed, never has to keep busy to prevent their hands from reaching up and hitting themselves, never has to listen to all the voices in their head telling them give up, nothing matters, life is a joke. To do so every day requires a massive effort few are capable of. From their view, we are the weak ones, giving up on a fight they see as no big deal. But that is like looking at a blind man and chastising him for not enjoying TV more. WE are doing as well as we can to survive a brain that tells us to kill ourselves. That is an act of courage and determination that the average, well adjusted man never faces.
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@ Themaskoftom,
This post is profound and moving. Like you I am older then most members (but that has no bearing, we at all the exiled, and lost).
I have a home, an adorable step daughter, a well paying job that sucks, and a wife who hates and cares for me depending on her mood or my behavior.
She asked me just to be normal three days ago. That was painful and began to seal the deal on my suicide plans. She has no clue how hard it is being bi polar and taking handfuls of pills everyday. The stress of your spouse telling you just to be normal! She can’t see the or feel the emptiness inside.
This site has always been helpful and I have almost always tried to encourage members to just hang on a little longer. Now my turn has come. I have decided that with all the pretend happiness around me and my inability to be normal I am going to stop trying and put an end to the normal game.
Its time to go. No more excuses, no more pills, no more fights, no more pretend normal, no more mania, no more depression, no more psych visits, and no more suffering.
Great post!
Now the follow though.
Your friend
Iron
great post
Yeah, when I was 15 I didn’t even know what depression was. No one I knew did, they didn’t pick up on the signs. I always wonder whether this made things worse because I never rebound. What if I was put on medication sooner instead of when I dropped off the age. You know those F1 racing cars where the tyre gets blown apart, if they don’t pit soon all sorts of damage occurs to the bodywork. I feel like that, damaged.
age = edge
@ Themaskoftom,
I never looked at it that way, i usually look at it th\t suicidal people are more intelligent than “normal people” but never thought of them as braver.
@Iron please dont, u were there for many of us, telling people on the sight to hold on, well now its our turn, it sucks i know, the come down from the manic highs must be hardest cause u had a glimpse of the happiness that could be had, i think being full time depressed must be better, anyway, i dont think you should put plans in motion, u have a step daughter to live for, and so much more
@duke
My parents were so busy dealing with themselves (and like everyone had posted so far) that they never really asked our questioned what was wrong with me. Do I hate them for it??? Yes and of course numerous other issues, and now its to late! The irony of this is the fact they are still pathetic idiots. After all those years of parental failure you would think “wow maybe its time for an apology?”
Some people you just can’t reach… Its sad when its a parental figure.
Iron
Yeah but my teachers too, I would try to explain why every piece of work was late. They told me to see my doctor as I might have an iron deficiency. It was only when I did research did I realise but even then, I didn’t know what could be done. Well, nothing has ever worked anyway. It’s been a long time but I think I was 18 when I first went on meds. But there were intervals when I was on nothing because I kept breaking down. I don’t blame anyone, it’s just that I always felt that the mind and personality is like clay, as soon as it starts to set it’s difficult to change things. My biggest problem with myself is that my mind was as sharpe as a razor now I feel so blunt. Did it numb me, I’ll never know, probably not. But in over 10 years I have never been right. Year after year I would make excuses for my poor performances. But you can only make excuses for so long before people start to think you are a good for nothing. Careerwise I’m probably in the top 1% of the country so everyone thinks you are ok, but I have just found ways to scramble over the hurdles.
Procel,
thank you for your encouragement to stop my decision. You are a good person.
Right now the urge to begin the final plans is strong. If I cannot be”normal” for more than three days then how can I continue to carry on? I know the pain and loss those around me will feel but it will just be for a short time. The suffering I carry is absolute! It will always loom behind me till the day I die.
What choice do I have? Cause brief suffering, or live with never ending dread.
New pills, mania, depression, up, down, cold, friends?, what friends!
Ok now this is just becoming a rant.
I’m no special case, just another who has no future.
Iron
I don’t know whether anyone else can relate to what I’m about to say because it just sounds weird. A few years ago I was having problems with my eyesight. Because my depression was so bad I thought my neurotransmitters had gone so haywire it was affecting my sight so I did nothing about it. Then I went for an eye test and it turned out I just needed glasses. I couldnt believe it, i could see perfectly again. So maybe the way I think is psychological too.
Brother arnt we all facing the same thing, i mean we live and strugle untill we die and end up in exactly the same point as we would be if we kill ourselfs right now. Im not a good person, far from it, but u know as well as i do that if u hold on for just a bit longer that urge will wane, and life will be… exsistable. U say ur no special case, well ur unique, just like everybody else. I dunno im in no place to tell u not to do it, id be too much of a hypocrite… whatever you do, just realise two things.
1. ur family need you alive
2.it will never get better
@Duke
I am an optician Duke. I have witnessed cases where it was clearly psychological. Each and every case of these patients I so wanted to question the parent or ask the guest what were the signs and then give them some advice as to how they can help their child or themselves.
Its tough wanting to point someone in the right direction but not being able sure to the law tying my hands together with hippa laws.
Everyone just fyi I’m using my phone for my messages so you will see several errors.
@Procel
You’re apathetic approach is realistic and comforting in a strange way.
When one fights to survive normal people stroll through the fight with Grace and confidence. For us we stride knowing if we lose then we cut, OD, sleep endlessly, and in the worst cases die.
How long must one carry the pain. I know you say forever Pro, I don’t want to play charades for next ??? Years.
Everyone here from the most angry to the most depressed… I guess we are just one in the same.
Apathy, sorrow, and dynamite all I’m various packages.
Thanks Pro
Apathy is one of the few defences i have left at this stage man. The best thing to do is give up all hope. Give up believing that anything will change, give up all hope that u can be happy, just give up, resign urself to the misery and pain and desire to die, mixxed with self loathing, surrender ur soul Iron, and u might just be able to live just a little longer, because now ull have no expectations left to fall through on you. tho why ud want to live longer once u give up hope is something i dont quite know the answer to.
You know ur in need of help when what i say makes sence iron… but ur welcome
@ iron
What a coincidence. I need an eye test and glasses. A few weeks ago I got sozzled and stepped on them by accident. They were £300 oakleys. I’ve got myself in such a bad financial state I can’t even buy a sandwich let alone a new pair. I can still see close up so I can get by for now.
Pro
Apathy may just be the life savior that I need. You cannot fix The broken switch in the dark. Its somewhat ironic that apathy is the best solution on a quest to find a cure that will never exist.
Take it easy Pro
As long as u try nd not question why ur living u should be grand, just put down the head and bull through like all thoses idiots that seem to be defined as normal. Glad to be of help man,
Cheers u too
@Duke
Sorry man. Once you have enough £ and you get your exam order you’re glasses online @costal contacts.com. They don’t have Oakley frames but their glasses are very inexpensive. Just make sure you get your PD from your doctor.
@iron
Thanks again Pro
Only now catching up, and amazed and intrigued by the variety of comments. I am still in the pits, and was smacking myself in the face and strangling myself most of last night. Not to kill myself, not for sympathy, to punish myself and because – well, because I feel like I need to be slapped. The fits of uncontrollable rage that rise out of this “wish i was dead” onslaught of thoughts frighten me. Luckily I am able to direct the physical violence at old appliances or my own face. I beat the crap out of my washing machine last night, LOL. Poor kitty looks at me like “I hope that guy gets help soon”.
I am still trying to be brave enough (or foolish enough?) to make the call and start seeing a psychiatrist. I have done this twice before and found them to be idiots, poking around with dumb questions from some textbook on what to ask crazy people. I know more about what is wrong with me than they will ever be able to imagine. I don’t need them asking if I hated my parents or if I am confused about my sexuality. Want to see my porn collection? No, i am not gay or confused. I am lonely and hopeless. I know they mean well, and porbbaly have to se a lot of people who aren’t introspective and haven’t really evaluated themselves. What I need from them are meds. I want to give meds One More Chance. I don’t expect to be happy, i don’t expect to turn charming and upbeat. I simply want to stop obsessing over things and hating and hitting myself and dreaming of slipping a noose around my neck.
I have long refused to beleive chemicals are the answer; that I was weak and overdramatic. Twice in my life meds hav helped lessen the madness briefly, but never in the long run. However, on a very dark day a few weeks back, I took, for back pain, a half of a vicodin. An hour later, was startled to realize i was feeling happy, playing with cat, enjoying the simple things. I had to admit — chemicals CAN make me feel better without making me feel high. Now, nobody is gonna prescribe Vicodin for depression, but it does give me reason to try meds again. Since almost all external causes of depression have been reduced, the severe self hatred and depressio is coming from within me.
@iron, I am relieved to see you modify your plan. I think we all make that “definite plan” at some point, and need to, whether or not we ever complete it. For me, the preparation for suicide has always worked to point out to me that TOM THIS IS CRAZY and had made me stop hurtling down the tracks. Hell, maybe it’s just laziness, I can;’t stand all the paperwork – making sure the insurance papers are in order and easy to find, making sure the beneficiary information is up to date, determining how to get cat to a friend without tipping them off, trying to hide suicide from insurance., re=reading Final Exit. That’s a LOT of work!! But i don’t think “making a plan” and “accepting the inevitability” are bad things. I doubt i will ever harm myself while i have decent health and income – but the day i get that cancer or liver diagnosis, eff that. I will not spend my savings on doctors who don’t care and my last days with tubes up my ass and nose. I will take that money, take a cruise to Alaska, wander off on a glacier “by accident” and freeze to death. Final Exit is invaluable in educating you how to not leave a gruesome corpse for your family to discover, how to not use a method that is more likely to make you a bedridden vegetable rather than a smiling corpse. Planning IS a method of taking control. Doesn’t mean you will do it. Means you are woning it. To those of us who feel most of life and what happens to us is out of our hands and beyond our control grabbing the steering wheel feels good even if we are only grabbing it to steer the car into the ocean.
BTW. I have a lot of people assuring me that I am charming, witty, handsome, talented, and fun to be with. In that regard I feel foolish posting and feeling such loneliness and despair. But all I think when people tell me that is “I am a good actor. they really believe I am sane and have no idea of all the horrible thoughts that run through my head. If they knew, they’d run from me and never look back”. I doubt anybody could hate me as much as i hate myself, though.
@ maskoftom – yep, I have many people saying I am smart, intelligent, handsome, compassionate, funny, etc….. masses of things. All lies, do not believe it and people just say what they think they need to say to help. Damn, so many people want to say “the right thing” instead of saying what they really feel and think. Also, too many people have hurt me and the last person really hurt me so much, everything I hated about myself she hated too and that really hurt me and sent me on the path to self destruction I am on.
@everlasting – agreed. If I believe the “white lies” and let someone close enough to me, two things inevitably happen: I injure them emotionally without intending to do it, and they eventually reveal their true feelings: they were putting up with my bullshit because they hoped i’d change. So I end up feeling like the guy who was chosen as a boyfriend because the girl “could have done worse”. Charming.