Suddenly, my perspective changed.

One year and 40 days ago I started a diet.

That diet quickly took over my entire life, exposing mental disorders that had been hidden before.

One eating disorder showed so much more… generalized anxiety disorder, a mild form of ptsd, cyclothymic disorder (mild form of bipolar).

My family had been perfect, but when it fell apart i didn’t know how to express the pain. I pushed it down for over 4 years.

All of that pain suddenly came out in the form of starving, throwing up, and cutting.

Slowly, I lost myself.

I had to pretend I was okay, I had to be perfect.

I lied to everyone.

I fought help at all costs.

But people were worried.

Counselors, teachers, friends all warned my parents.

My parents are in denial though.

I can’t admit the truth, I can’t disappoint them again.

I wanted to fix my family.

I wanted to fix myself.

BUT I CAN’T..

I’m trying to accept the fact that sometimes I can’t do things on my own.

Yesterday my best friend told me she has been eating 50 calories a day and throwing up everyday.

Suddenly, my perspective changed.

My best friend, the one who has fought for me the entire year, the one that lectures me daily on how I’m hurting my body.

How could this happen?

She wanted me to give her tips, she wanted me to be okay with it.

But I wasn’t.

I  can’t watch her do this to herself,

I can’t bare to stand knowing how she feels.

I don’t want her to hurt.

She was always the strong one, but now I have to stand, for her.

I have to stop, I have to show her that we can both overcome this.

I’m willing to stop making excuses, to conquer all my fears, just to show her that she will be okay.

Because I know what it’s like to hurt myself to the point I just want to die.

I know what it’s like to cry and cry and wish I could just leave forever.

Now it’s my turn to be strong, it’s my turn to lecture her, and it’s my turn to recover.