the final solution?

i’m a 16 year old girl. never done anything bad really, except for white lies and secret boyfriends (from my parents). But I guess it is what has led me to how I feel now.

It’s started since 6 years ago when my sister became a disappointment to my parents. And well, coming from a South Asian culture, stereotypical, it had to do with the influence of the Western society, new found independence (she was 18) and lack of grades. It costed my parents a lot and that I understood. After that year abroad, she had to return to India and took my mother with her, I was still at my enclosed and cutoff home with my dad. Although they tried keeping me from the situation, it was inevitable for me to find out. And once i found out, I felt it as a responsibility to never let my parents down. And I became their second chance. For the past six years of my life, with my mother away from me for 4 of those years, I have been dealing with their problems, being there to listen to them. And they’ve confided in me, not only their problems, but their aspirations, and their future plans. Just recently, I was given a chance to go abroad, for boarding school. And there has been a lot of pressure. But there were problems adjusting.

Being my parent’s last chance, I didn’t know how to interact with people by myself. And this has led to a lot of misconstrued communication between friends and teachers and people I interact with on a daily basis. And there’s awkwardness. I am the socially awkward penguin with a twist of unspectacular-ness. And this has taken its toll on me in my relationships, with friends and guys. And now, things have jumbled up into one big mess, with everyone around me thinking I’m a fraud and my parents thinking I’m having the time of my life. And I am. Not having the time of my life but being a fraud. So I feel trapped, lost, and found solace in abusing myself, but the pain has become so strong that abusing myself with pain is not enough to block out the emotions I feel. Because the thing is, in my desperate attempt to please my parents, I hid from the world. My friends were those who kept leaving, until everyone left and no one else was there. I feel so pathetic that I cant even get someone to care about me long enough to be comfortable to talk to them — especially about this. I have a few friends left and I can’t expect them to understand, because then they will last for a shorter period of time. Gaining friends from “being who you are” cannot apply to this situation because I don’t even know the answer to the basic question I’m stuck with: Who am I?