I want to share my story, of who I am and how I got here, but I can’t share it with those I know so this seemed like the next best thing. I don’t know who is out there reading this, or if anyone even will, but there is a comfort in sharing how I feel without fear of judgment or persecution.
I will start with the easiest parts. I am a 29 year old mother of 3, married to a great man, and working at my dream job. I volunteer at my church and also lead a girl scout troop. So why then, you may want to ask, why am I on this site. I am sorry I do not have the answer to this question. I wish I knew myself. It started when I was a teenager. The drinking, the sex, the anxiety attacks and the cutting. I used to cut a little and drink a lot. Now I cut a lot and drink even more. I am a binge drinker. After a drinking binge I want nothing more than to run away from everyone, and when I realize that I can’t do that then I start to cut myself. A few weeks ago my husband caught me cutting, and needless to say he was not happy. People have suspected I have been hurting myself, but no one had any proof, and I denied it away if someone confronted me. So, back to the story. I have always been on the fence about suicide. It scares me, but at times it seems like such an easy thing. The only thing that keeps me from it is my children. But after my husband found me, I tried to kill myself. And then the ambulance came and I was whisked off to the hospital, where i lied my ass off in order to be sent home. Since then I have seen doctors and been given medications which I don’t like, but I never tell anyone of them the whole story of who I am, because it scares me, and I am afraid they will lock me up and throw away the key. I am not homicidal, and have no intentions of harming anyone – i want to make that clear since i said my fear is to be locked up. it is all self inflicted misery. And that is what makes me want to die the most… the complete lack of understanding of myself. How can I have such a happy normal life, and hate it and myself as much as i do. There must be something wrong with me… what mother would want to willingly leave her children, or hurt (emotionally her husband) or her best friend. I am mean when I am down, I say things just to hurt people so that they will back off and leave me alone. I just don’t know what to do. Every day it feels a little bit worse, not better. And doctors don’t really get it. I am tired of peoples bull crap, thinking they know what is best…. and I just don’t know what to do. I am afraid of what will happen the next time i get into a manic state. Each time I cut myself it is worse than the last, and each time the desire to cut deeper gets stronger.
6 comments
Here’s a tip to do against the people around you: USE EMPATHY.
With your issues and problems I believe that you should see someone professional. The ones around you will continue to love you and won’t judge you. People can and will WANT to help you. You can get a different perspective of life and will want to keep enjoying it. Leaving your children behind without a mother? They would grow up wishing you would have gotten help, wishing that their mother was there to see them grow up, go to school, and see them raise their own family. You are beautiful and leaving this wonderful world would not be the right thing to do.
I know how you feel. I am fearful of getting locked up…again. I lied my ass off to get sent home multiple times. I’m sorry for you. But atleast you have your kids keeping you here. I have no one anymore. I think you should see a therapist though. That may help. Usually it is a 50/50 chance of getting a good therapist though. But don’t give up.
We are of similar age. I am going to say something to you that someone else said to me a few years ago, and it was totally spot on…
“You are WAY too old to be cutting yourself. You are not a 13 yr old girl. What you are doing is really silly and makes you look really silly.”
Come on, crazymom. Cutting isn’t going to accomplish anything. The depression and feelings may stay, but cutting only makes you look really ridiculous. It is just a cry for attention, and at your age you don’t need to make cries for attention. You are an adult now, just go to the psychiatrist/therapist. You don’t have to wait for your parents to notice your bloody arms in order to get help.
On a different note, You have kids so you really owe it to them to try every possible medication before you decide to end it. After all, what have you got to lose by trying?
Cutting is NOT always for attention. I cut where no one can see it. It is a coping mechanism. An unhealthy one yes but still. So I have to disagree. I never wanted anyone seeing my cuts. That’s why I never cut on my arms. So I don’t think crazymom is totally wrong.
Thank you. It is true that cutting is stupid, and some of the younger generation do it for attention, or because they get caught up in the moment of it… But there are others, both young and old that use it as a coping mechanism like determined_rebel said. If I was doing it for attention I would have let people know about it a long time ago. I have been doing it for probably 15 years, and just got caught. I was so ashamed, and couldn’t even look at my husband. I did not want that kind of attention… i would cut to release my stress, not add more to it. Unfortunately cutting is an addiction, one that is hard to beat… it is easier than drugs or alcohol because it is not something you have to try to get a hold of, it’s your skin so it is right there. I am not trying to romanticize cutting… i think it is a terrible thing, and i wish i didn’t do it. I am sorry if you did it for attention, but many of us do not.