I have no real complaints, I have a job, no mortgage, no dog, no loans no-one depending on me.Â I have low self esteem and little or no self worth, I am a perfectly functioning person so long as I don’t have to talk to anyone. On those glorious days when I can go about my business with not an utterance falling out my mouth, not a single bit of eye-contact. I thrive. I live in a city though. Where it is extremely difficult to avoid everyone.
When interaction, is unavoidable, I regress into my shell arms legs and head in short, turtle like. I become a neurotic mess, I dont know where to look what to say how to say it. With the neurosis comes anxiety, the fear of these situations (being/dealing with anyone), which leads to reactive depression, a massive critical analysis of what I’ve said, making eye-contact, not too much or little, etc etc … In the past few years this analysis it working in real time, The sheer panic that comes over me is immense. My discomfort makes others very uncomfortable. Now I think they think …. Its come to speculating about how I’m seen. What I see is a cretin, an unlikeable social leper. I see myself as much worse and I fear they do too.
I have very few people I consider friends. And have little or no social skills. I hate that I need people in my life.
I consider suicide every other day, I don’t see it as an act of cowardice. Quite the opposite. I don’t know what the hold up is, I’ve felt this way for years at this now. Maybe It’ll pass, Its probably wont.
(self diagnosis time – Social anxiety disorder ??? Very possibly. delusional paranoid)