I am starting to feel like I am being punished for being alive, I wasn’t truly meant to exist anyway since I was unplanned. I can’t have one good thing happen and if something does, I pay for it later on. I have been through so much in my life, was mentally and physically abused by my dad, had to watch it happen to my mom who is disabled, been into women’s shelters, was raised in a cult like religion which left me without friends, social activities was highly restricted, no help from them with what was going on at home since they said in their own way that it’s our fault and we deserve it. Home schooled and had to deal with my dad 24/7. No family members who really cared about was going on, dad cheated and left us, stayed with grandparents who only wanted what money we had left and kept taking it all and would threaten to kick my mom and I out if we didn’t give it to them. Was in mental hospitals and treated like dirt, wasn’t allowed to go back home to my grandparents, kicked out of the hospital and into a homeless shelter, list goes on.
Fast forward to now, I am24 and married and my disabled mom lives with us. Even now it’s been nothing but bad luck, kicked out of our old apartment, had to find new place with what little money we had, car kept breaking down, all the money went towards that, car broke down for good. Had to take what money we had and buy a newish car, was in a accident, had to get car fixed.
Now last week was the final straw, lost my job. I had a full time job that paid well, chances to move up, paid vacation and holidays. Hard to find around here, past part time jobs I worked were shitty pay, crap hours and managers treated you like scum because they knew you would take it to keep your job…Â Now that I lost my job, we are going to go back to struggling worse than before.
Now I am sitting here scared and paranoid wondering what is going to happen next, what else is going to go wrong. I don’t know what to think, am I being punished? Is something out to get me?  I also sit and here and wonder why I just didn’t kill myself a long time ago, why did I listen to those people who said be strong, things get better, blah, blah? All this crap is just going to be never-ending for me, I can just wonder what is going to go wrong next and I really don’t want to be around to find out..
1 comment
Is your relationship good at least? That’s what it’s there for, to lean on each other when times get tough. I’m about the same age as you and I always wanted to find the girl I wanted to marry early in life but so far no luck. 6 months ago I got dumped and I’m alone again. And I feel many of the same things you do, life always punishes me every chance it gets, even something stupid like last week I ordered a T-shirt online to cheer myself up and apparently it got lost in the mail because it never showed up. Every day I’d go out and check my mail hoping for a stupid reason to smile, a $15 T-shirt, and life couldn’t even let me have that. I feel like I wasn’t meant to be here either, a few years ago for the first time my dad told me that they were actually expecting a baby and my mom got in a bad car accident and lost the pregnancy and then they had me, so it’s like I was a replacement. Sometimes I wonder if that first child had lived if they would have been more successful and treat my parents better and be happier all around. It’s like my soul is aware of the fact that I was a replacement and I came into this world depressed and not wanting to be here. Anyways, my point is, I struggle to find a reason to keep going, but I’m not even married like you are. At least you have someone who loves you enough to want to spend their life with you. My problems would seem a lot less important if I at least had a special person to get through life with me. So just try to look on the bright side I guess, you at least have someone to care about you. Imagine losing your job and having car troubles and everything else going on and not even having someone to come home to at night. I live alone now that my ex bailed on me and it is extremely depressing.
Take time to enjoy your marriage even with all the other stress going on. Even if money is tight and you need to watch your spending, put your cares aside for one evening and suggest going out to dinner together just to enjoy yourselves for a few hours and not worry about all the problems.
I know it’s hard to think positive but some people would tell you that when one door shuts another door opens, and losing your job might be painful right now but maybe you’ll end up finding something even better. But I know it’s hard to have a positive outlook like that when life always beats you down, I can’t find a way to stay positive either.
So that’s the best I can offer you. I know it’s hard to look on the bright side sometimes or to use that old mentality to tell yourself that you still have more than most people, but you really do. A lot of us here are terribly alone. You’re married, you shared vows with someone that through the bad and the good you were going to be there for each other, so at least you have that to fight for. I think it’s safe to say you’d pretty much destroy your partner’s sanity if you’re young and married and then you kill yourself, they’d probably be miserable and messed up about it for the rest of their lives.