Thursday morning… This existence is painful, I cant take it anymore. I have no friends all of them have betrayed me, or fucked me over. My family offers no support with anything that I’ve ever done. Every girl I’ve ever met has used me, cheated on me, then got their new boyfriends to bash me. I was abused as a child by step father, and abandoned my real father. Every choice I’ve ever made has been wrong in someones eyes. My best friend overdosed on ice, and has been in a psych ward for the past 3 years, he doesn’t even know who I am. Counseling has helped slightly. I guess it has pinpointed a lot of issues from my past. Meds on the other hand havent. I’ve attempted suicide 3 times now. It’s always on my mind.. But for some reason it’s really bad today I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve spent time in a psych ward.. Around 12 months. I was on suicide alert the entire time I was in there. Ive been made to feel like a mistake for existing, more rather an accident. Nobody understands or is willing to listen.
I’ve written another suicide note.. And am planning to end it all this evening.. Wether or not I will I am unsure.
I dont know what else to say..
Empty_Soul.
21 comments
I’ll listen if you are willing to explain 🙂
I’m more than willing to listen to you.
Please, please, please don’t end your life, I hope I’m not too late.
Ugh… Such a horrible headspace to be in. My head wants me to end it all. But my body won’t let me.
@PrincessSin I guess your not too late.
@sbkstep43 I appreciate that you would listen to me.
@wolves I appreciate it man.
I guess I should explain.. Ever since I was small I’ve had a social disorder.. I havent ever been able to to communicate efficiently with anyone.
My father walked out on me and my mother.
I was raised by my mum and grandma.
Bullyed through primary school and made to feel like an outcast. Singled out by teachers.
My mum remarried and from the age of 8 I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused. Let’s just say I know the feeling of broken bones all too well.
I moved house 4 times too, schools 3 times.
When I got to high school it was just a repeat, minus the house moving.
Again Bullyed, unsupported and failed miserably in classes, friends backstabbed me, and spread shit behind my back.
2 of my friends committed suicide through a suicide pact..
So school finished.. I was 18 when I met my father for the first time. He claimed to know me and know what I was like. Until he noticed the Scars on my wrist.
Then he refused to see me and called me a waste of space.
I told him to get fucked. There’s more to it but that’s another story.
I tried to commit suicide, I was a cutter for 12 months.
I then met a girl.. Someone I opened my heart to for the first time .
I think that was what being happy felt like. I told her everything. Which then she decided to throw it back in my face.
She almost convinced me to have a baby with her and get married to her. ..
When I said no and we broke up she went nuts, she got her brother to hunt me down he broke my nose and broke my ribs. She then spat on me and said you really are a fucking waste of space, go kill yourself like you do badly want to.
I went on a bender..
Became addicted to pot, drank a lot of piss, and refused to do anything.
I attempted suicide again.
Overdosing.. Got me to hospital, that’s about all..
The next part of my story I think I’ll save… I really dont feel like saying much more.
Feel free to express thoughts and ideas.
Empty _Soul.
Empty_Soul,
Everyone walks out on you, does that mean you have to forsake yourself ?
And have you had walked into situations and experienced relationships of types just disposable ?
Your decision of walking out on your ex-girlfriend was right !
She spat on you after her brother broke your ribs and such had justified that.
You have proven your worth of discernment. (but not your social skills in handling it nicely)
And that should be hints for you to have taken on to find a new ground of yourself,
instead of proving solid just a f’king waste of space of yourself of becoming an addict.
What’s the point if to get into an unworthy self persecution to your own ?
A different road, just comes a different story.
I’d suggest to join some associations or even religious groups just to learn of some social skills, to see what they can offer, just to experience ! Find some harbors, not those swaying floating boats.
It’s time and space of new perspectives of yourself to ruminate.
And all those past experiences of yours just demonstrating clear examples of what not ever to set foot on !
People are like light-towers, pointers, beacons.
But it’s YOU alone have to walk, any distance to or from.
Some wise words from loveless1189, hope that may help…
“studying taoism a little….I don’t think anybody is worthless though even doing nothing has its worth.
In a static sense water does nothing but when you look deeper its the reason life exists at all. You grab a coffee and say thank you it has its worth. You see a cat….and pet it on the head, and it has its worth.”
I hope you’ll see your worth too !
@fireflieslite,
Taoism is the belief of living in harmony isn’t it?.,
I’ve never wanted to forsake myself, it just came over me when everything started to shatter around me. Yes in truth certain relationships were disposable.. I couldn’t predict the way that I was going to be treated. I had never felt love, nor had I known the feeling of acceptance. I went into shock after the incident of being beaten And spat on. I felt dead inside, part of me still does. In what you have said about that makes a lot of sense it should have been a sign to say find better more solid groundings. I guess I was weak? By delving into substance abuse.
Your right with what your saying about what not to set foot on. I have learnt a lot about life the past few years.
I myself am not big on religion. I don’t knock anyone for following it or believing in it. I myself was raised as a Christian and lost sight of it 5 years ago.
Your words make so much sense I can’t stress that enough. I thank you for the comment.
I still feel rather crap but perhaps there is hope for me yet.
soorry to hear…..well it you want to speak more you can reach me at stephanie.butler43@live.com….ill listen to you at any and every hour you want
🙂
@sbkstep43, i appreciate that. It’s been quite a struggle as of late ad you can see. I’ll be sure to fling you an email soon.
its no problem dear im here for support
I’m curious about your story.
im just mistake trying to help others thats my story (ps. not as peppy as i sound )
Wow… We have a lot in common dude. I know what it’s like to lose a best friend to suicide. My best friend was the only person I EVER trusted, the only person I ever loved… but he couldn’t take it anymore so he parked his car in front of a train. Crazy shit…
You sound like you’ve been through a lot, perhaps too much. I know that feeling, when everything continues to fall on your shoulders and before you know it you’re not only carrying the history of your abuse but also the pain that it brings to everyone else. Everything you do somehow manages to effect EVERYONE else and so you have to carry their feelings and their shit. And because of all the weight you continue to shrink until you can’t find yourself anymore. So then you drink yourself into oblivion or find some other vice to cope (I did a hell of a lot of drugs). At least this was my experience.
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better but I don’t. If I knew I would be saying the same thing to myself right now, :). If you ever want to e-mail me please do. runfree87@hotmail.com. Stay strong, drop everyone else’s shit and find yourself.
ok….umm i dont know exactly wats my story when i was in grade 3 my aunt thought i was possessed because my eyes had rolled back and i wasnt listening to anyone after that i went through prep school known as the devil child and was taken advantage of for being weird from when life had no meaning nor purpose ……i find something wrong in anything and have a destructive personality
@sbkstep43, wow so they thought you were the devils child based on that.
You said you have a destructive personality, so you find negativity in almost everything?
yea ….it just alot of random things in my life that i just cant deal with…like my parents disowning me over my behavior ah wells such is life
@sbkstep43, @wolves,
I apologise for taking so long to reply. my new post explains why.
Sbk.. Why did your parents disown you?.. Did they try to help you at all?
Wolves, dude I too believe we have a lot in common. Losing a best friend is possibly one of the hardest things especially when its through suicide.
Anguish,pain,sorrow and suffering seems to be what we know. I too am majorly sceptical of who I trust and who I don’t.
I think people have been unkind to me in my existant this far.. They dump their shit on me, yet when it’s my turn to talk they tell me to shut up or to fuck off.
Selfish ass-wipes.
I’ll definitely fling you an email.. I probably should have sent you one on the weekend.. I had nobody to talk to about my shit.
Your words make a lot of sense to me and I am grateful for your support.
Empty_Soul.
Nope…their help is telling me to stop overreacting.
Really? Overacting about what?
over everything that i am a drama queen and nothing is wrong
That’s quite judgmental. Your parents should support you.
How do you feel about that?
sorry i have not been on but my mom been watching me so yeah
and my parents dont understand support