Every day’s a good day

to die. So I’m pretty sure I’m done I am very serious but can’t become 100% certain. I can’t function around people, I have been deeply depressed for around 7 years, My motivation in life is to hurt those who hurt me nothing more and nothing less. I have no real goals or dreams in life, I have been on alot of medication, tried everything, have no reason to live and am almost sure I am incapable of love or happiness or even being content. I don’t want to live in any society and I wont do anything I don’t want to. I don’t want a relationship and I never will. I don’t want life. My brain has become fucked up from the disease of humanity and all the countless hours of pondering and trying to find the answers to everything have led me to the fact that there will never be any answers. I can’t imagine getting up everyday for work and I won’t ever have to. I put a cap on my life saying If I’m not okay by a certain age then I’m done and I have almost reached that cap. My therapist says that most patients with my problems 10 20 30 years later are either miserable or dead. Nobody at all has anything useful to say to me and as a result of constant searching and listening I have heard all the advice and Ideas that exist, I have heard and studied every point of view there is. I know too much and could never be content with anything life has to offer. I feel my apathy growing and I’m slowly losing all concern for everything. I can’t believe I don’t even care about humanity but especially my dog. I can’t cry ever. The reason I am alive is not to help others its not because of goals or dreams, its not because of blood and organs, its because of rage pure rage, I’m alive because I can’t die without hurting the people I hate. It seemed so surreal and hit me when I thought I could hurt myself and stop my own existence. I always knew and thought that but it wasn’t a thought it was in a feeling. It made me sad so I tried to make a list of things that I would regret missing if I died in 10 minutes, but I couldn’t come up with a single thing that doesn’t involve revenge. I wish I had time to think it over and really give alot of thought to my suicide, but I am physically sick and I have been to every doctor searching for what is wrong and none could ever find anything. I can’t stand the constant sickness on top of the nihilism and depression and the complete inability to ever be around anybody else. I get paranoid at night and can’t go outside because of people during the day so I am fucked by something at every hour of the day. Its all internal nothing external could change a thing. My parents refuse to talk to me about any of it and avoid me if I try to mention it. I am left with no options in life and I have to kill myself. I’m not sure why I’m bothering to write all this, because I’m not looking for reasons to live. I will never be okay and it feels like I have brain damage but my parents refuse to let me get a scan so I will never know for sure. I am so deep into my effects of social isolation that I don’t know If I could ever function around a person again. I am so fucked that I lay in bed all day and all I have to do all day long is get up and feed the dogs and more than half the time I don’t and make my parents do it when they get home. Nothing comforts me I even feel sick from eating. My stomach is messed up and I can’t find out what is wrong with it, My head always hurts and when I stand up I have to grab somthing because I feel like I will fall. Constantly dizzy and feel in a constant thick fog like I can never think of anything. I can’t think of any reason to live and even if I was mentally and physically fine I still would hate the world and want to die. I’m either going 30 feet long drop hanging or if possible shotgun to head