I don’t want to die-on most days. But sometimes I get so depressed it seems like a good solution. It just passes my mind out of the blue when I’m crossing a river or crossing the street. What if.
I thought I’d had it all figured out by now and it’s not like that. Not knowing what to do with your life at 20 isn’t a good idea. I feel like I’m gonna screw up, alone with a boring job I hate, surrounded by people I have nothing in common with, my parents are going to be so disappointed.They are going to die and I’ll really be alone in the world then. No life partner, no nothing. It’s so hard to make even the smallest decisions-bigger ones just plainly frighten me to death. I’m so scared of living alone, in poverty and misery, a complete failure. And this is crazy because nothing like this has ever happened to me!
Nobody knows this, nobody knows what I so frequently think of doing. It’s so frustrating to me because I feel that it’s all my fault. Why can’t I enjoy my life? I want to and I should but can’t…feel so guilty for not being able to appreciate and enjoy anything.
I’m so ugly and unlovable. Bulimia was my ‘solution’ a few years ago. That was my slow and painful suicide attempt. I’ve been bullied and told how disgusting I am so many times that it still makes me cry. I’m all kinds of messed up and want to get better but don’t know how.
Sometimes I daydream about being in a coffin. Nobody to disturb me. And that all my organs are donated to people who need them and can do wonderful things with their lives things I will never do. Something will always hold me back from my desires and dreams which only pulls me further into the abyss.
I’m scared to death.
Yeah i can understand you. Unfortunately I can’t give you any advice. Most things we have to figure out on our own. I just cried today because I needed about two hours for a math exercise of about 10 minutes, but maybe I cried also because I am still in love with this girl that rejected me so hard. I wish I wouldn’t exist. Although we never will meet on earth, I tell you not to give up. There is something out there worth living somehwere.
Oh, and when there was never something out there you can tell me in at least 70 years in heaven, or soon.
I’m scared of death,too but if I can’t do something with my life,I don’t want to live
I’m sorry for your situation;I completely understand what you’re going through
Thanks for reading. I needed a place to vent since I can’t tell anyone in real life. It’s true, if there will be nothing, I’d rather die than be a waste of space.
You fears are natural to have at your age. Of course you are going to make mistakes. We all do! Some make huge mistakes. I can’t tell you that your life will be perfect but I can tell you that it is YOUR life. You can do whatever you want to. Try not to worry so much about what other people think about you. As long as you are happy then that is all that matters. As for the bullies….. Try to remember this one thing….. Every single person on this planet has issues. Some are obvious and some are not. Whenever someone says something mean to you remind yourself that they have demnons of their own. I hated myself for years…. Lived at the gym. I still hate how I look outside but I have accepted that as who I am and have learned to like other things about myself.